


Love You Goodbye

by If I Could Fly_ (ifIcouldfly_hs)



Series: Because I Had You [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No One Direction, Anal Sex, Angst, Based on a One Direction Song, Blow Jobs, Established Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Established Relationship, First Love, Harry and Niall are roommates, Heartbreak, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Niall Horan & Harry Styles Friendship, Phone Sex, Student Harry, Student Louis, True Love, You're Still The One plays an important role, high school sweethearts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-01 02:52:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 42,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15133508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifIcouldfly_hs/pseuds/If%20I%20Could%20Fly_
Summary: Harry and Louis have been together since they were 15. Now Harry is going off to university and leaving Louis behind, and neither of them know what to expect.They're determined to beat the odds and make a long-distance relationship work. They're both convinced that love is enough.But neither of them account for how different their lives will become or how difficult it is to fight for something, even when it's what you want most.ORThe one where Harry goes off to uni, becomes friends with a particularly loud Irishman, and promises not to forget about Louis.





	1. You & I

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO!!
> 
> First things first! If you're here that means you're giving this story a shot - so thank you, thank you, thank you!!
> 
> Secondly, I changed Louis' mum's name because (as someone who has also lost my mom) I felt sort of weird using her real name. Soooo, I changed it to "Jo", which is pretty close but gave me a better feeling at the end of the day.
> 
> Lastly, please comment!! I love hearing feedback/ideas/and your general opinion on the story!! I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> Love you all!!

_Not even the Gods above_

_Can separate the two of us_

_No, nothing can come between_

_You and I_

(You & I – One Direction)

There were only three things in the whole world that made Harry smile like an idiot: warm strawberry rhubarb pie, beating his mum at a game of scrabble, and being within 100 metres of Louis Tomlinson (aka: the fittest boyfriend on earth). And right now, Harry was basically a ray of fucking sunshine because he was driving down the road in his week-old Audi A5 (yet another attempt from his father to buy his love) with Louis sat in the passenger seat. It had been one thing to walk home from school together, fingers interlaced constantly, but it was something else entirely to have him beside him in the car and his hand on Louis’ thigh. This is what freedom tasted like, and freedom was only really worth having if Louis was by his side.

They’d been inseparable for the past three years. Louis’ family had moved to Holmes Chapel when they were fifteen, and Louis had been the most exciting ever happen in the village (at least that was Harry’s opinion anyways). They’d become instant friends, and it had only taken six months for things to progress from there. Harry had always been fairly fluid when it came to who he was attracted to, and his attraction to Louis had come hard and fast. He’d waited until he’d known beyond a shadow of a doubt that Louis was gay before making a move, and they’d belonged to each other ever since their first kiss behind the bakery where Harry worked. Now they were both eighteen, months away from graduating from their final year of high school, and extremely excited to start the next chapter – together. They’d applied to all the same universities, and they’d be damned if they didn’t end up in London together come September. Harry had it all mapped out – he’d be studying English literature and Creative Writing while Louis took over the photography department with his beautiful photographs. They’d get lost in London together and everything would be perfect.

“Lou,” they’d just pulled up to Harry’s house, and just as he had for the past couple of weeks, Harry had rushed to the mailbox. Each time before now had been futile, but this time Harry was holding a large envelope in his hands, the _King’s College London_ letterhead printed along the top.

“Rip it the fuck open, Hazza,” Louis was behind him in an instant, his arms around his waist and his chest flush against Harry’s back.

Harry opened it painfully slow, apparently way too slow by Louis’ standards because he took it from Harry and had it open within a second. He was trying to hand it back, but Harry only shook his head. “I can’t. You read it.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “It’s obviously going to be good news. It’s a bloody large envelope. Dear Harry Styles,” he began to read off the paper. “We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the English Literature and Creative Writing program at King’s College London...See! I told you!”

The next thing Harry knew, Louis was turning Harry around and pulling him into a tight embrace. He wrapped his arms around Louis as they jumped for joy in each other’s’ arms. This was it. Their dreams and plans were finally starting to take shape and come true. Louis’ lips found his the second they stopped jumping. Harry let himself get lost in the kiss for a few fleeting moments until he stepped back, eyes wide.

“We have to go to your house and see if yours is there too!” he rushed the words out as he took Louis by the hand, practically dragging him towards the car.

Louis tried to dig his heels into the cobblestone of the car park to stop Harry, but his attempts were hopeless. Harry had always been the stronger of the two. “Don’t you want to celebrate first?” he asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows. “Your mum and Gemma aren’t home.”

Harry stopped immediately, turning to Louis with hooded eyes. “Lou,” his voice almost had a warning tone to it, but he couldn’t hide the desire that was underneath. it had always been this way – even after two and a half years of having each other – Harry always wanted Louis. He crowded him against the Audi, his body flush against Louis’ and his hands gripping at the roof of the car on either side of Louis’ head. He couldn’t help himself, just the thought of _celebrating_ with Louis drove him crazy.

“Don’t you want to know if you got yours too?”

Louis shrugged his shoulders, his hand snaking up between their bodies so that he could brush his fingers along Harry’s jaw. “I can wait the 20 extra minutes it would take us to go up to your room and get each other off.”

Harry crushed his mouth against Louis’, his tongue darting past Louis’ lips until it was swirling around in his perfect mouth. They stayed like that for quite some time, leaning against the car and getting lost in a kiss that Harry liked to think as pure magic. They stayed like that until Louis was pushing his hips into Harry’s and trying to take things further. “Louis,” Harry whined his name, both out of desperation and feigned annoyance. “I’ll do anything you want if we go check your mailbox first.”

And that was all Harry needed to say and do to win. Louis was leaving one more peck to Harry’s lips and then he was rounding the front of the car and climbing into the passenger seat. Harry knew exactly how to win any argument or debate with Louis – and Louis had yet to catch on.

They got to Louis’ house in record time. It was a stark contrast from Harry’s home, but that’s what Harry loved most about it. Where Harry’s house was quiet and pristine, Louis’ was messy and rambunctious. Harry’s house was usually empty whenever they got home from school. Gemma was usually off at her university classes and his mum was usually still at work, but Louis’ house was always full and wild. Louis had four younger sisters: Lottie and Felicite were twelve and ten, while the twins, Daisy and Phoebe were only six. They were the reason why Harry absolutely loved being at Louis’. Gemma was barely ever home anymore, and he missed having his sister around, but it was almost as if he had a whole lot of sisters every time he was at Louis’.

They’d barely managed to make it to the mailbox before Louis’ mum was rushing out of the house, car keys in hand and a look of complete relief flooding her face. “Oh, thank god you’re home, Lou. The hospital needs me to cover the night shift. There’s a lasagna in the oven for you and the girls.”

“I can’t watch the girls tonight mum, I have plans,” Harry could see the annoyance written all over Louis’ face. Louis loved his sisters, Harry knew that, but he was always covering for his mum when she was on call, and since she was a nurse at the nearby hospital it happened quite often.

“Lou, please, I need to take this shift...”

Harry was interrupting her before she could finish begging. “It’s okay, Lou, we can just stay here and make a night of it. We can play monopoly with the girls,” he turned to Louis’ mum then, a smile on his face as he noticed the way the panic was draining from her cheeks. “Have a good shift, Jo. Don’t work too hard.”

Louis didn’t reach into the mailbox until his mum had pulled out of the car park. Annoyance was still seeping from his pores when he pulled out a large envelope, identical to the one Harry had found in his own mailbox. “Holy fuck,” Louis whispered as he tore the paper open, pulling out the package inside. “Holy fuck, I got in. Hazza, I fucking got in!”

“Of course you did,” Harry said as he wrapped his arms around Louis, pulling him against him. “I’m so proud of you, Lou.”

Louis was just about to capture Harry’s lips when a tiny voice came from the front door. “Harry!” Daisy called as she spotted them standing at the mailbox. “Harry, come play dollies with us!”

Harry pulled away from Louis, kissing him quickly before walking into the house and picking Daisy up, swinging her around in a circle. “Only if I can play with this one,” he said as he took one of the dolls out of her hands. Daisy was nodding and giggling as she led him to the living room, Louis on their heels.

“You’re so good with them,” Louis said fondly as he watched Harry sit on the floor, doll in hand.

Harry smiled, patting the spot beside him. “Aren’t you going to play dollies with us?”

Louis shook his head, nodding in the direction of the kitchen. “Promised Lottie I’d help her with her math homework. I’ll call you guys when dinner’s ready.”

Harry watched Louis walk back towards the kitchen, his mind and heart fully content. Everything was falling into place. He’d gotten accepted into his dream school, he was finally going to make it to London, and Louis was going to be there every step of the way. They were officially a power couple, and nothing was ever going to come between them. They’d be the sort of couple people wrote love stories about. High school sweethearts that made it to the end. His life was a fucking fairy tale and he loved for every minute of it, and he knew none of this would have even been possible if Louis Tomlinson hadn’t waltzed into his life three years ago. None of this would have been possible if he wasn’t in love with the world’s sweetest and funniest sass master. Harry had had his fair share of nightmares about losing Louis, and now that was never going to happen. They’d be together forever and ever, amen.

*

Harry found himself in Louis’ bed later that night, exhaustion hitting hard after playing with the girls all evening and reading a million stories before they’d even consider going to sleep. But Harry didn’t mind, not one single bit. He loved nothing more than to play with Louis’ little sisters, especially if that meant that he got to go to sleep that night wrapped up in Louis. Their mums had given up the long fight of forbidding sleep overs in the same room, especially after they realized that it didn’t matter if they made the other boy sleep on the couch or in the guest room, because Louis and Harry would find each other in the middle of the night anyways. Their friends loved to tease them, make fun of them for being too young for something so serious, but the thing was, Harry just slept a million times better with Louis beside him. There was something about the way he could feel Louis’ heartbeat against his back while Harry was the little spoon that lulled Harry to sleep. There was something about the way that Louis loved to run his fingers through Harry’s hair while they drifted off that made Harry feel a million times safer than he ever did when he was in bed alone. Louis was his anchor, and he’d be damned to let two over protective mothers and a few judgmental teenagers come between them.

“Six more months and we’ll be doing this in London,” Harry whispered into the darkness as Louis snaked an arm across his bare stomach.

“I can’t fucking wait until it’s just the two of us,” Louis sighed as he ran his fingers along Harry’s stomach lightly, making little goosebumps appear in their wake. “Can’t wait until there aren’t a million children vying for your attention.”

Harry clicked his tongue, gently reprimanding Louis. “You love those girls and you know it. You’d be lost without them.”

Louis chuckled as his fingers inched further down, nearly grazing at the band of Harry’s black Calvin’s. “I know, just wish they didn’t love you so much is all. I don’t like sharing you.”

“Never have to share me, Loubear. I’m all yours. Soon I’ll be all yours in London.” He’d never get tired of saying it – he’d say it until he was blue in the face. They were moving to freaking London in six months. They’d be together. Everything was perfect. “I love you so much, Lou.”

“Mmm,” Louis hummed in response, his fingers now slipping past the waistband of Harry’s boxer briefs and gently skimming down Harry’s half hard (and quickly hardening) dick. “Love you too, Hazza.”

“Lou,” Harry whined as Louis wrapped his hands around his now fully hard cock, applying just as much pressure as he knew Harry liked.

Louis’ lips were on Harry’s collarbone in an instant, teeth grazing along the sensitive skin. “Told you I wanted to celebrate.”

“I’m not the only who has something to celebrate,” Harry hissed as he flipped them over so that he was on top, his body covering Louis’. Their eyes met for a brief moment before their lips were connected in a heated and desperate way. He hooked his fingers into Louis’ own boxer briefs, pulling them as he dragged himself down his body. “My favourite cock.”

Louis chuckled, shaking his head as he watched Harry with hooded eyes. “Pretty sure it’s the only cock you’ve ever touched other than your own.”

“Semantics,” Harry countered as he licked a stripe along the underside of Louis’ cock, making him turn his head into the pillow and moan Harry’s name. “I plan on it being the only cock I ever touch, just for your information.”

And maybe it _was_ a bit crazy. Maybe they were just a bit too young to be so crazy in love. But Harry didn’t care, he didn’t give a _flying fuck_ really. Because what were you supposed to do when you met your soulmate at fifteen? Were you supposed to just let them slip through your fingertips because you’re too young to fall head over heels in love with someone? Harry refused to do that – absolutely _refused_ to let Louis go. So, here he was, eighteen and helplessly and hopelessly in love with Louis Tomlinson – eighteen and already matched with his soulmate. He counted himself pretty damn lucky.

“God, I love you,” Louis groaned as Harry took his cock into his mouth, letting it hit the back of his throat a couple of times, eliciting a sling of curses from Louis’ lips.

Harry smiled as he climbed back over Louis, sliding his own Calvin’s down his thigs along the way. He straddled Louis’ hips, their cocks lined up perfectly for him to take both in his large hand. “Love you so much, Lou, love you to the moon and back,” he whispered into the night as he pumped them, their breathing heaving and mixing into the darkness of the bedroom.

It didn’t matter how many times they’d gotten off together in the past two and a half years, every time was the best time by Harry’s standards. There was nothing that drove him crazier than watching Louis arch his back and let his head fall back as he reached oblivion – it sent Harry into a tailspin each and every time – and tonight was no exception. It was a matter of minutes until Harry’s hand was covered in both his and Louis’ come, and Louis was falling back into the mattress completely spent with a grin on his face.

Harry leaned down, pecking his lips once before sliding off the bed and walking towards the adjoining bathroom to clean himself up. “I can’t wait for London with you, Lou.”

Louis perched himself on his elbows, looking at Harry through the pieces of his fringe that had fallen into his eyes. “Can’t wait for _forever_ with you, babe.”

~

It had been a few weeks since they’d received their acceptance letters in the mail – a few weeks of unnecessary planning and pure bliss. They were now sat at a booth in Holmes Chapel’s fanciest restaurant, their mums across the table from them. Gemma had agreed to babysit Louis’ little sisters for the night so the four of them could celebrate the news, and that’s exactly what they were doing.

“I’m so proud of you boys,” Anne said as she took a sip of wine. “We both are.”

Jo reached across the table to take her son’s hand, squeezing it once before letting go. “I’m so glad you boys have each other,” she kept her eyes on Louis, a smile on her face. “I won’t be so worried about you knowing you’ve got Harry.”  
Harry discreetly placed his hand on Louis’ thigh under the table as the words left Jo’s mouth. Everything she said was true – the whole thing was a lot less daunting because they had each other. There was no way he could do any of this without Louis by his side.

“I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without you,” Jo continued as she clutched her own glass of wine. “I don’t know how I’m going to do it all without you. You’ve been such a giant help all these years.” Harry rubbed circles into Louis’ thigh as she continued talking. He knew how much Louis was going to miss his sisters – how much he was going to worry about them.

“We’ll come home some weekends,” Harry offered, trying to lessen the panic that was evident on Jo’s face. He felt Louis’ hand move to cover the one he had resting on his thigh, squeezing it in silent thanks.

“Oh, I know,” Jo agreed with a wave of her hand, as if dismissing her own thoughts. “I’m just being silly. Can’t believe my baby is leaving home in just a few months. Feels like just yesterday I was bringing you home from the hospital. Don’t you agree, Anne?”

Anne nodded her head in agreement. “Feels like just yesterday Harry was banging pots and pans while sat on the kitchen floor.”  
Harry rolled his eyes as his mum took a trip down memory lane, but he couldn’t help the way his heart pulled with the realization that in only a few months he wouldn’t see her every day anymore. it had always just been the three of them – Anne, Gemma, and Harry – ever since his dad left when he was barely even three. He’d grown up in a family where his mum was absolutely everything to him (his mum and dad wrapped into one and his very best friend). He didn’t know how he was supposed to get used to a life where he saw her a couple of weekends here and there. He didn’t know how he was supposed to get used to a life where their relationship mostly consisted of FaceTime video chats hurried messages. He owed everything to his mum, absolutely everything, and he was going to miss her the most out of everyone else he was leaving behind.

*

Harry and Louis decided to walk home from dinner together, leaving their mums to carpool alone. Louis was uncharacteristically quiet as they walked along the quiet streets, and even though their fingers were interlaced, Harry couldn’t help but sensing a sort of distance between them.

“Hey,” Harry’s voice broke the silence between them, his fingers squeezing Louis’ just a bit tighter than they had been a moment earlier. “Talk to me. What are you thinking about?”

Louis sighed. “It’s stupid.”

Harry stopped abruptly, pulling Louis back so that he was standing in front of him. “Lou,” his voice was quiet, even. “When do I ever think what you have to say is stupid? It’s me. You can tell me anything.”

“Was just thinking ‘bout what my mum said at dinner, s’all. Like, she’s never really done this alone. She’s always had me ‘round to help and now I’m just leaving her. I’m just like him, aren’t I?”

Harry took a deep breath, putting his hands on either one of Louis’ shoulder, not only trying to ground Louis but also trying to ground himself. “You’re nothing like your dad, Louis. You’re not abandoning them. You’re going off to uni like every kid is supposed to do. You’re making a better life for yourself.”

Louis shrugged, almost as if he didn’t really believe Harry’s words. “Sort of feels like I’m just being fucking selfish and leaving them behind.”

“Oh, Lou, I promise you aren’t being selfish,” Harry breathed the words as he wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close against his body. “They love you and they understand. Of course they’re going to miss you, but it’s all a part of growing up, yeah?”

“Thank you, Hazza,” Louis said as he finally relaxed underneath Harry’s arms.

Harry tsked at the unnecessary thanks as he placed a kiss into Louis’ hair. “I love you, Loubear. Everyone loves you.”

~

_2 months later..._

Graduation was only just over a month away and Harry was stressed. Between exams that were just around the corner, attempting to plan the perfect prom night for Louis and himself, and making arrangements for the move to London that was just around the corner (okay so it was still four months away, but Harry was fairly certain time was passing at the speed of light these days), he was going absolutely crazy. The only thing even keeping him remotely sane was Louis. Sweet Louis who was always by his side, working through study cards and reminding Harry time and time again that they could literally sit around the house playing FIFA together and prom would be perfect. Harry was fairly certain that if it hadn’t been for Louis he would have actually been checked into a psychiatric hospital at this point from acute stress. It was confirmed: Louis was his lifeline.

*

“We’ve got to send off our student housing application this week,” Harry reminded Louis for what was probably the millionth in the last 24 hours. Harry knew he was being annoying, okay? He bloody well knew it. But he would be damned if something like a late application meant that their request to be put in the same dorm wouldn’t be approved.

“Mhmm,” Louis responded from where he was sat on the floor, PlayStation controller in hand and eyes glued to Harry’s television as he focused on the game of FIFA he was currently trying to win.

“Seriously Lou, did you finish yours?”

Louis gave another absentminded response, which only made Harry roll his eyes and move to stand in front of the television, hands on hips. “Lou! This is a bit more important than a video game.”

Louis put the controller down with a sigh, not meeting Harry’s eyes. “I haven’t filled it out,” he finally admitted as he tucked his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself.

And okay, Harry wasn’t blind, he could tell there was something wrong – something strange going on with Louis. So, instead of ranting about deadlines and the future like he wanted to, he sat down across from Louis and reached out to cover one of his hands with his own. “What’s going on, Lou?”

“S’nothing.”

“It’s not _nothing_ ,” Harry continued, using his other hand to sweep Louis’ fringe out of his eyes. “A few weeks ago this was all you could talk about and now you can’t even fill out forms on time.”

“I’m sorry,” Louis said as he rested his chin on his knees, his eyes trained on Harry. “I’m so sorry, Haz...”

“Just tell me what’s going on.”

Everything was silent for far too long, and even though Harry was about 80% sure he knew what Louis was about to say, he was also 100% certain there was no way he could be right. There was no way Louis was doing this to him – to them.

“Lou, please,” he begged.

Louis screwed his eyes shut as he opened his mouth to speak, almost as if he couldn’t bear to look at Harry as he said the words. “I’m not going.”

And yup, Harry’s intuition had been right after all. Louis was somehow taking all of the plans they’d ever made together and just throwing them out the window. _What the actual fuck?_

“What are you talking about?” Harry’s voice was a ghost of a whisper, barely even audible. He was certain Louis hadn’t heard him until his blue eyes were open once more and he was staring back at him.

“I’m not going,” Louis repeated, his voice just as quiet but his eyes never leaving Harry’s. “I’m not going to London with you.”

Harry sprung to his feet in an instant, his hands tugging at his curls as he towered over Louis. “What the fuck are you talking about? What do you mean you _aren’t going_? Since when?” He didn’t miss the way that Louis seemed to wrap his arms tighter around himself as Harry nearly shouted from above. He didn’t miss the way Louis’ eyes finally fell back to the floor, unable to meet Harry’s and see the hurt, confusion and disappointment that Harry knew he was projecting.

“Dunno, the last month or so?”

Harry’s mouth fell open at Louis’ confession. _The last month?_ Louis had known he wasn’t going to London for a month and he hadn’t said a single word? “I don’t understand,” Harry finally breathed. He was no longer yelling, the confusion taking over his entire focus.

“I’m sorry.”

“For fuck’s sake!” Harry yelled. “Stop apologizing and just explain it to me.” Louis looked back up to Harry, his eyes filled with tears and apologies. Harry couldn’t help but sit back down in front of him, his eyes softening as he met Louis’ gaze. “Please, Lou. Just tell me what’s going on,” he added, his voice softer.

Louis inhaled deeply, exhaling a shaky breath before speaking. “I just...I can’t leave them, Hazza.”

“Your mum and sisters?”

Louis nodded his head, his eyes still sad and brimming with tears. “They need me too much. My mum needs me too much. I can’t just leave them.”

“Lou, she wants you to go to uni,” Harry sighed as he reached out and took Louis’ hand in his own, intertwining their fingers. “You’re not being selfish. You’re doing something for yourself. You’re bettering your future.”

“I’m still going to uni,” Louis winced as Harry pulled his hand back, obviously even more hurt and confused by the statement. “I’m going to study from home. King’s College has a really good distant learning program and they switched me over really easily.”

“Wow,” Harry whispered, his hands nervously tugging at one of his curls again. “You’ve got this all planned out. How long were you going to wait to tell me? If I hadn’t said something, if I hadn’t forced you to tell me, when would I have even figured out? Probably would have packed up the fucking car and September 1stand still had no fucking clue.”

“I was going to tell you, I swear, I just...I didn’t know how,” Louis explained. “I didn’t want to...to ruin...”

“Everything?” Harry interrupted. “You’re ruining everything, Louis. We had _plans_. We made plans _together_ , and you’re just pissing them all away. “What am I supposed to do now? I’m just supposed to move to London without you?”

“Hazza...”

Harry shook his head. “We were supposed to do this together. It was supposed to be you and me together in London. It was supposed to be you and me together forever.”

Because yes, Harry was disappointed that Louis was putting the rest of his family ahead of everything else yet again. He was disappointed that Louis was making yet another sacrifice to keep his mum and sisters happy. But Harry was _devastated_ that Louis was choosing to stay in Holmes Chapel instead of moving to London with him. He was devastated that in just a few months there was going to be three and a half hours of distance between them. He was fucking _wrecked_ that in just a few months there might not even be a _them_ to begin with.

“It’s still you and me, Harry,” Louis breathed as he moved to wrap his arms around Harry’s body, pulling him close. “It will always be you and me.”

“Just with three and a half hours between us,” Harry sniffled as he pressed his nose into Louis’ neck.

Louis’ hands were rubbing circles on Harry’s back, and Harry was fairly certain that Louis was crying too, that he was also struggling (and maybe that shouldn’t make him feel better, but he was a horrible person). “We can do this, I know we can.”

“Why did you have to change all our plans?” His voice wasn’t angry, and even though he was still mad, he understood the choices Louis had made. He’d known from the second they’d met that Louis would do absolutely anything for his family. He would sacrifice himself and his own happiness to keep Jo and the girls safe and content. And Harry had always loved that about him, so no matter how angry he was, he knew he had no right to hold something he loved about Louis’ character against him.

“I’m so sorry Hazza,” Louis whispered into Harry’s hair, his lips brushing against his scalp. “We’ll make it, okay? I promise we’ll make it.”

“You and me forever, yeah?” Harry asked, his voice a high whine, as he placed a kiss to Louis’ neck.

“Forever and ever,” Louis countered, holding Harry just a bit tighter than he had been a moment earlier. “Always.”

~

_1 Month Later..._

The best part of graduation day was that Louis’ name came right after Harry’s in roll call, which meant that they were sat beside each other in the school auditorium as they listened to the endless amount of faculty speeches, which meant that they got to whisper in each other’s ears and hold hands instead of dying of absolute boredom. It had been a long month, there was no questioning that, but Harry finally felt like he was in a place where he could do this – where he could graduate high school and move to London and not have his world collapse around him with Louis not by his side. Okay, maybe that wasn’t 100% true. Maybe he still hyperventilated every night as he tried to fall asleep while thinking about how in just two months he’d be in a long-distance relationship. Maybe he’d had one (or a million) panic attacks while questioning whether or not his relationship was going to survive everything. Maybe he was still a fucking basket case, but he wouldn’t let Louis see that, not today.

“You’re up next,” Louis whispered into Harry’s ear, his hand squeezing his thigh that was nestled underneath the royal blue graduation gowns they’d been forced to wear.

Harry took a deep breath as he waited for his name to be called and prayed to god that his giraffe legs wouldn’t betray him as he walked across the auditorium stage to collect his diploma. He kissed Louis’ cheek once before collecting himself and stepping onto the stage, remotely aware of the fact that his mum, Gemma, and Louis were screaming and whistling as he shook the headmaster’s hand and took the diploma in his other. He stopped at the top of the stairs, smiling in the direction of his mum’s camera before looking at Louis who was waiting for his turn to step onto the stage. They locked eyes for what felt like an eternity (but was more like a minute), and Harry’s stomach dropped. This was it. This was the end of their chapter. This was the end of the Harry and Louis era. It sounded stupid. It probably _was_ stupid, but Harry couldn’t help but let his thoughts run rampant. He couldn’t help but wonder what laid ahead for them – if there was even going to be a them in a few months.

“Harry,” the headmaster’s sharp whisper woke him from his thoughts, making him realize that he was still standing atop the stairs and holding up the graduation procession. He shook his head, physically shaking the depressing thoughts from his head, and made his way down the stairs and back to his seat. There was no point worrying about all of this now. There was no point in wasting away the summer with these panic-induced thoughts, and there was certainly no point in wasting away the two months he had left with Louis. He had to take what he could get and smile through it, no matter how depressing the thoughts were.

The second Louis’ name as called out Harry broke out into a full chorus of cheering that matched Jo and the girls’ own hollering. He was on his feet and clapping as Louis laughed on stage, his laughter almost filling the auditorium. Harry couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that soon there would be a day where he wouldn’t hear that laughter any time he wouldn’t. He pushed the thoughts away again as Louis bounced off the stage and made his way back to Harry, kissing him fully on the mouth once he was back in his seat.

“We did it, baby,” Louis whispered into Harry’s mouth. “We fucking did it.”

“I love you, Lou, I love you so much.”

Louis kissed him once more, their lips moving against each other in the most perfect way. It was always magic with Louis. “Love you to the moon and back, Hazza. Love you to infinity.”

“And beyond,” Harry finished with a smug smile on his face, almost as if he thought his joke was the funniest thing on earth. The thing was, he knew it was to Louis. He knew that Louis loved every single corny and cheesy thing that came out of his mouth, and maybe Harry was going to miss that the most.

*

They’d gone separate ways after the ceremony and after taking a million photos with their families. Harry was standing in front of his full-length mirror, debating on whether or not he should wear his black and white polka dotted bowtie or his plain black one. He only had a half an hour until Louis was scheduled to pick him up for their prom night, and he was in full blown panic mode about his hair and outfit. Apparently, panic was now his new normal.

“You look so handsome love, stop fussing about,” Anne chastised as she stood in his doorway, a smile on her face as she watched him run his fingers through his quiff for the millionth time. She moved to stand behind him, pulling the polka dotted bowtie from his hands and placing it under the collar of his dress shirt. “This one suits you more, I think.”

He smiled at her reflection in the mirror. “I’m so nervous,” he whispered as he watched her tie the bowtie.

“Why? It’s just Louis, you’ve been together for a century,” she laughed at her own failed attempt at a joke. Harry had never had to wonder where he got his sense of humour from.

Harry shrugged. “It feels like everything is coming to an end, you know?”

“It’s just high school, love. Nothing else is ending.”

“Louis and I might be.”

Anne’s hands stilled from where they were still tying the bowtie, a frown taking over her face. “If anyone can make a long-distance relationship work, it’s the two of you. I honestly believe that. I’ve never seen two people love each other the way you do,” she turned around him by his shoulders so that he was facing her. “I know at first I thought it a bit strange with how serious you two got at such a young age, but the more I watched your relationship grow the more I realized that you and Louis are proper soulmates. You have the sort of love that can conquer anything.”

Harry ran his fingers through his quiff again, tugging at his curls a bit to relieve the anxiety that was coursing through his veins. “I really hope so. I’m just scared,” he admitted quietly. “I’m scared to move to London on my own. I’m scared not to have him by my side.”

Anne stretched slightly so that she could place a kiss to his forehead, pulling his hand away from his hair as she pulled away. “I can’t promise you that everything is going to be okay. But I like to think I know you pretty well and I know that you’ll do everything you can to make this work. I know that you love Louis more than anything and I know he feels the same. I know you both will fight your hardest for your love, for each other.”

Harry’s mouth finally curved into a smile as the words left her mouth. “Thanks, mum. Now finish tying this thing before you make us both cry.”

They both chuckled, clearing the air of any sadness that Harry had brought into it with his talk of Louis and endings. Anne had just finished perfecting the bowtie when Gemma was calling from downstairs that Louis’ car was pulling into the car park.

“Well, well, well,” Harry heard Gemma click her tongue from downstairs as Louis walked into the house. “Where did you find that thing?”

“Rented it for the night. Think Harry will like it?”

Harry was down the stairs in a second, his eyes landing on Louis immediately. He’d seen Louis dressed up on occasion, but never in a full tux (and god, was it ever fucking beautiful). His fringe was styled away from his face, giving Harry full access to Louis’ breathtaking baby blues.

“Will I like what?” Harry asked as he stared at Louis. He’d been looking at him for the past three years, but he’d never get tired of it. He’d never get bored of Louis’ beauty.

Louis turned to him just then, his smile growing ten times bigger as his eyes scanned from Harry’s dress shoes to the quiff his hair was styled in. “You’ll see in a second,” Louis answered as he walked over to Harry and wrapped his arms around his neck. “You look beautiful, baby,” he finished as he placed a kiss to Harry’s lips.

“Ugh,” Gemma sighed. “You two are too cute. It’s sickening for us perpetually single and lonely folk, right mum?”

Anne only laughed as she pointed the camera at Harry and Louis, asking them to stand in a million different poses as she clicked the shutter each time. Once she was content with the photoshoot, she kissed both boys on the cheek and wished them a wonderful evening. Once they were outside, it only took Harry a second to clue in on what Gemma and Louis had been talking about. Sitting in the car park was a blue vintage Austin-Healey convertible, top down and soft music playing from the car stereo.

“Oh my god,” Harry whispered as he slowly made his way to the car. His smile grew when his eyes fell on a single rose that was laying on the passenger seat. “Where did you get this?”

Louis shrugged his shoulders as he wrapped his arms around Harry from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder. “I have my sources, Styles.”

Harry turned around in Louis arms, a loopy smile on his face. “You’re perfect, you know that right?”

Louis’ mouth twitched, his eyes crinkling with his smile. “I’ve been dreaming of this night with you for forever, baby. I’ve got a couple more surprises in store for you.”

*

Everything was perfect. Everything was beautiful and magical, and Harry was fairly certain he’d never felt this sort of happiness before. Dancing in the middle of the dancefloor with Louis for the past two hours had been everything he’d ever hoped for. He had been mostly convinced that prom night was the most overrated and overhyped night known to mankind, but he’d been wrong. Prom night had turned out to be something he’d never forget – something Louis had made sure would go down as one of Harry’s favourite nights ever.

“I’m so happy your mum forced you to move here three years ago,” Harry had his head resting on Louis’ shoulder, his lips brushing against Louis’ neck as he whispered the words.

Louis hummed in response. “Best worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I’d say.”

Harry’s lips turned into a smile, brushing in just the right spot that made Louis shiver. "I love you so much, Loubear.”

“I love you too, Hazza. I love you so much,” he stopped swaying to the music, his arms that were wrapped around Harry’s waist loosening just a bit, so he could step back and look into his eyes. “Are you ready for your next surprise?”

Harry nodded his head with excitement. He had no idea what Louis had planned, but he knew it would be perfect. They could end up in line at McDonald’s and it would still be perfect because he’d be with Louis. Louis took his hand and led him to the ballroom exit, past the instructors that had volunteered (or been forced) into chaperoning the evening, and into the banquet hall carpark.

“Where are we going?” Harry finally asked as Louis opened the passenger door of the convertible and ushered Harry into his seat.

“You’ll see,” he responded with a coy smile as he moved into his own seat and started the engine.

They drove into the night with Louis’ hand that wasn’t on the steering wheel clutching Harry’s like it was the last thing he ever wanted to let go. They drove until Louis was cutting the engine outside of a fancy hotel Harry had only ever seen from the car window when his family would take weekend getaways to his Nan’s house. He remembered being a small child and ogling the architecture of the building from the roadway. He’d never dreamed of being this close to it, and now that Louis was holding his door open and taking his hand as he got out of the car, Harry was stunned into silence.

“....so I got her to pack you a bag and I thought it would be a nice way to finish the evening.”

Harry was shaken from his shock by the boot of the car closing loudly. He realized Louis had been talking for god knows how long and he hadn’t even been paying a bit of attention. He’d been far too lost in his thoughts.

“Wait, we’re staying here?” Harry asked as he looked from the two duffle bags Louis was holding back to the entrance of the hotel.

Louis chuckled, flinging one of the bags over his shoulders so he could take Harry’s hand in his. “You weren’t listening to a word I said, were you?” he laughed more when Harry shook his head in confirmation. “Your mum packed you an overnight bag. I wanted it to be a surprise.”

Harry’s jaw dropped as they stepped into the hotel foyer. He’d daydreamed about what it would look like, but his dreams hadn’t done the real thing any justice. It was simply beautiful. A big chandelier hanging from the ceiling and mahogany wood accenting the old structure. “Lou, this is too much. A room here must cost a fortune.”  
Louis squeezed his hand as he checked them in at the front desk, only answering Harry’s question once he had the room key in hand and was guiding them towards the elevator. “Don’t even worry about it, baby.”

Harry was fairly certain he’d died and gone to heaven. Louis swiped their room key and opened the heavy wooden door to a beautiful room. A giant king-sized bed sat in the middle of it, rose pedals scattered on the white bedspread and carpet. Harry shook his head in disbelief as he walked around the room, picking up a pedal and absentmindedly running it through his fingers. Nobody had ever done something quite so wonderful for him before, and he couldn’t even find the words to thank Louis – he couldn’t even find his voice.

Louis’ arms wrapped around his waist from behind, his chest flush against Harry’s back. “Do you like it?” he asked in a whisper.

“I love it,” Harry responded quickly as he turned around, his hands moving to cup Louis’ face. “It’s perfect. You’re perfect.”

He watched as Louis moved his thumb to catch a tear Harry didn’t even know was running down his cheek. “You’re crying.”

Harry shook his head, brushing his nose against Louis’. “Just so happy. You make me so happy.”

“You and me forever,” Louis whispered as he inched closer, his lips brushing softly against Harry’s.

“Always,” Harry agreed as he connected their lips fully, two pieces of a puzzle fitting perfectly together, just like they were meant to be.


	2. The Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry say goodbye

_When I go, all I ever seem to fear_

_Is that you’re gonna find someone_

_And slowly watch me disappear_

 (The Tide – Niall Horan)

 

The rest of the summer sped by way too quickly, and the next thing Louis knew he was helping Harry pack his car full of everything he’d need in his dorm at King’s College. It was late once they were finally finished, both taking refuge in Harry’s bed before the drive to London in the morning. The only thing keeping Louis from falling apart was the fact that he was going with Harry tomorrow to help him move. The only thing keeping Louis remotely sane was that they still had one more day.

“I can’t believe I’m leaving tomorrow,” Harry breathed into the silence that surrounded them, his head on Louis’ chest.

Louis tightened his hold on Harry’s body. He never wanted to let go. Maybe if he just held on for forever Harry would never leave. “Neither can I,” Louis whispered. He tried to keep his voice light, but he could hear the sadness underneath all the feigned lightness. “You sure you really want to go to big ol’ London? I hear it’s way too noisy there. Can’t even find a good slice of strawberry rhubarb pie.”

Harry laughed, either missing the sarcastic undertone or just choosing to ignore it. “You sure you don’t want to come with me?” he countered. “I’m sure King’s College would be more than happy to change your courses.”

“Haz,” Louis’ voice warned. He’d thought about it. Of course he’d thought about it, but it just wasn’t possible, not in this lifetime. He had a mum and four sisters who were counting on him, Harry would make do without him _(but would Louis make do without Harry?)_.

“I know, I know,” Harry’s voice finally matched Louis’, it was finally sad enough to make Louis feel like maybe this was affecting Harry just as much as it was affecting him. “I just...I don’t want to say goodbye.”

Louis moved his hand to Harry’s hair, running his fingers through the mess of curls. “Shhh, let’s not talk about it now, yeah? We still have tomorrow. We don’t have to say anything until tomorrow.”

“Mmm, I like that,” Harry agreed, kissing along Louis’ chest until he was hovering over Louis’ body and looking down into Louis’ eyes. “We still have tomorrow.”

“Well,” Louis started, his hand reaching up to move a curl out of Harry’s eyes. “Really, we still have a lifetime, right?”

Harry’s lips spread into a wonderful smile – the kind of smile that made Louis’ heart beat a million times faster. It was the kind of smile that if Louis hadn’t been lying down, his knees would have given out right from underneath him. “A lifetime,” Harry agreed with a quick kiss to Louis’ mouth. “But I still think we should like, bank enough time together to hold us over until we see each other next,” he suggested, a suggestive wiggle to his eyebrows.

Louis didn’t need to respond, all he needed to do was wind his arms around Harry’s neck and pull him down until they were connected in _every way possible_. All he needed to do was kiss Harry until they were both flushed and breathless and he was completely done for. He’d mope around and spend time missing Harry when Harry wasn’t right there – when Harry wasn’t all over him. “What did you have in mind?” he gasped as he pulled away from Harry’s lips.

“Everything,” Harry answered desperately, his lips suctioning onto Louis’ neck, leaving what Louis suspected would be a rather dark and large love bite. “Don’t even care. Just need you.”

If Louis thought he was done for a second ago, he was an absolute goner now. He couldn’t even form words – couldn’t even understand his own thoughts for that matter – so instead he just reconnected their mouths and lost himself even more in the feel of Harry’s lips against his own. He needed to record this moment to his memory, he needed it to live on forever so that whenever he found himself missing Harry he could just recall it like a film. He’d give anything in his power to live this moment over and over again. He’d give anything to not be separated from Harry, _but life doesn’t really work that way now does it?_

Louis tried with all his might to push these thoughts from his head, to just live in the moment and not get so lost in his mind, but it was proving a rather impossible task. Every single touch, every single piece of Harry just reminded him more and more what he was about to lose. And okay, maybe he wasn’t going to _lose_ Harry, but it felt like a significant loss either way. Having Harry move to London while he was staying behind in Holmes Chapel felt like a piece of his life (a piece of his actual fucking body) was being torn from him, and Louis wasn’t quite sure how he was supposed to survive that. He wasn’t quite sure _if_ he could survive that. He knew that in a matter of 24 hours he’d be kissing Harry goodbye and catching the train back to this small little town, and Louis was pretty sure that when the time came that he’d shrivel up and die on that train ride. _And he knew – okay?_ He knew that he was being bloody dramatic and stupid about the whole thing. He knew that this was 100% his own fault for crying out loud, but that didn’t make the pain any less intense – it didn’t make the pain any less consuming. This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go, and yet here he was, living through it like the fucking nightmare it was.

Louis lay awake for what felt like forever, even after the activities they’d gotten up – even with how spent his body was. Louis just couldn’t will his mind to shut off. All he could do was hold a sleeping Harry in his arms, stare up at the ceiling, and let his mind wander. He replayed the last three years over and over in his mind – from the very first time he’d ever laid eyes on Harry to the very first time they’d ever done anything remotely sexual. He scanned the course of their relationship, searching for a hairline fracture that would lead to their demise. He knew he was being fucking stupid. He knew he was being the most dramatic human being on earth. Of course there was no hairline fracture. His and Harry’s relationship was rock solid, unbreakable, and every other ridiculous cliché out there. They’d beat this. they’d beat the odds. Wasn’t that why they’d picked _You’re Still the One_ by Shania Twain as the theme song of their love?

~

“Don’t forget about your mum once you’re in the big city,” Louis was watching Anne and Harry have a tearful goodbye in the carpark, and if the way Anne was blubbering like a baby was any indication how this was all going to go for Louis, Louis may as well buy the shops out of their tissue supplies now.

“Mum,” Harry’s voice was sweet and light, the way it always was when he was talking to his mum. “Reading week is at the end of October, it’s not even that far away.”

Anne tutted as she pulled her son into her arms, holding onto him tightly. “It may not seem that far away to you, but you’re my baby. Two months is forever for me.”

“I’ll call you tonight, yeah? I’ll call every day,” Harry promised as he kissed her forehead and stepped away from their embrace, moving towards the car before she could start crying again. “I love you, mum.”

“Drive safe,” Anne turned her attention to Louis who was already halfway into the driver’s seat. Harry had tossed him the keys when they’d first walked out of the house, since it was Louis’ final chance to drive the Audi for a long time.

*

The first half of the drive passed in silence, with Louis driving with only one hand so that he could lace his fingers through Harry’s and never let him go. Every single second passed ridiculously fast, way too fast for Louis. With each and every kilometre they sped towards London, Louis’ heart grew heavier and heavier with dread. He wasn’t sure how he was going to do any of this. He wasn’t sure how he was going to pull into the King’s College carpark, unload all of the boxes and help Harry unpack. He wasn’t sure how he was going to kiss Harry goodbye and make his way back to Holmes Chapel, all pathetic and alone. But most of all, he wasn’t sure how he was going to wake up tomorrow (and every morning after that) and have to walk around the town without Harry by his side.

“You’re so quiet,” Harry commented, his hand squeezing Louis’.

Louis shrugged, his eyes never leaving the road. “I don’t really have anything to say,” he answered honestly. “Feels like we’re headed towards dooms day.” Okay, he probably shouldn’t have said that last part. He probably shouldn’t be showing his wounds off to Harry, who was currently bouncing ( _literally bouncing, his knee wouldn’t fucking stop_ ) with excitement. A new chapter was starting in Harry’s life, and who was Louis to rain on his parade?

Harry pulled his hand from Louis’ and Louis was fairly certain that if he wasn’t in charge of getting Harry safely to London, he’d just drive right into a pole at that very moment. How was he supposed to survive the rest of this drive if Harry’s hand wasn’t in his own? “Lou,” Harry’s voice broke through Louis’ self-deprecating thoughts. “Lou, it’s not _doom’s day_.”

“I know, I know,” Louis breathed, his knuckles turning white from how hard he was gripping the steering wheel. “Ignore me. I’m just having a moment, yeah?”

“Lou, it’s not doom’s day,” Harry repeated, his voice cutting the thick air once again, his hand moving to rest about Louis’ knee. “I know I’ve said this a million times, but everything’s going to be okay. _We’re_ going to be okay.”

 “Are we?” He didn’t know where the question came from, he’d been dodging the feelings of doubt that had been popping up over the past several weeks. He’d been dodging his own guilt since the day he’d made the decision not to move to London, but now it was all coming out. All he could do was let the question hang between them and hope that Harry had the right answer.

“What? What are you...Lou...” the words stumbled out of Harry’s mouth, and Louis internally kicked himself for even letting himself slip. The last thing Harry needed was Louis’ fear and doubt running rampant. “What are you saying, Lou?”

Louis shook his head quickly. “Nothing, nothing, I just...ugh, I’m just being dumb, Hazza, that’s all. I swear. I’m just scared. I’m just scared of losing you.”

“You’re not going to lose me, Louis. Never. I hope you know you’re stuck with me now.”

Louis couldn’t help but laugh, although he wasn’t entirely sure if he was laughing at Harry’s attempt at cheering him up or how ludicrous of a threat Harry was making. Being stuck with Harry wasn’t exactly a punishment for Louis – it was more like a _motherfucking blessing._ Being stuck with Harry was a gift from god himself. Being stuck with Harry was the only good thing Louis had going at this point.

*

All it took was the blink of an eye and then Louis was parking the car outside of Harry’s new dormitory at King’s College. And okay, it wasn’t just a blink of an eye, it was more like an hour and a half of driving on a byway, but either way, it happened so fucking quickly for Louis. One second he was talking to Harry about the upcoming school year, their fingers interlaced once again, and the next second Harry was jumping out of the passenger seat with excitement. Louis had spent his fair share of time rethinking his decision to do distant learning, but now that he was standing in front of the King’s College dorms, he was full on regretting his choice. The campus was beautiful – it was everything he’d ever imagined, and yet he couldn’t even stay. All he was here for was to help Harry unpack and be on his way. This wasn’t everything he’d ever dreamed of – it wasn’t even close.

“Wow,” Harry breathed as he craned his neck up, taking in the old building in front of them. “Holy shit, Lou.”

“Mhmm,” Louis agreed half-heartedly. He was happy for Harry, he _really_ was, but he was also just a tad bit jealous of the fact that Harry’s life allowed for this adventure. And maybe that wasn’t right, maybe it wasn’t exactly fair of Louis to be jealous over something that Harry had no control over, but he was. “Let’s go find your dorm.”

After getting turned around one too many times, they finally found Harry’s dorm. An odd feeling settled into the pit of Louis’ stomach as Harry turned the key he’d been given into the lock. This was essentially Harry’s new home, and in reality, Louis had absolutely nothing to do with it. Louis had been a staple in Harry’s home for the past three years, but now he was so far removed from Harry’s life. It was unsettling and terrifying – Louis was 95% certain he would vomit before Harry even had the dormitory door open.

*

Louis had been wrong though, just like he’d been a lot lately, because in a span of a couple hours they’d managed to unpack Harry’s belongings into the brightly lit (and rather stereotypical) university dorm room, and Louis had yet to vomit. He’d helped Harry unpack robotically, feeling particularly numb with every passing minute. Louis knew that once they were finished unpacking that it would be nearing his time to leave, and he just wasn’t sure if he could do that. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to walk out of Harry’s dorm without having a complete breakdown. He wasn’t sure if he had much of a choice.

“Thank you,” Harry sighed the words as he flopped down on his twin sized bed after hanging up his last piece of clothing. He looked exhausted and Louis just wanted to nuzzle into him and fall asleep.

“You don’t have to thank me, Haz,” Louis replied as he laid down beside Harry, their feet dangling off the side of the bed. Louis hooked his ankle around Harry’s. He needed to anchor himself to the curly haired boy. He needed to attach himself and never let go. He never wanted to let go.

_He couldn’t let go._

“But I want to thank you,” Harry whispered as he moved to straddle Louis’ thighs, his curls hanging between them. “I want to show you how much I appreciate you coming here and helping me. I want to show you how much I love you.”

Louis moaned into Harry’s mouth as their lips collided, tongues curling against each other the second they were locked together. Louis wasn’t sure how he was supposed to go more than twenty minutes without this, without being able to pull Harry against him and worship the overly pink lips he’d fallen in love with in a split second. He’d be seeing Harry in only three weeks, they’d already planned their first visit and the train tickets were already sat on Louis’ dresser, but three weeks felt like an eternity. How was he supposed to live without the love of his life for _three fucking weeks?_

“God Lou, I want you so bad right now,” Harry groaned as he rutted down onto Louis, their cocks creating the perfect amount of friction even under both of their jeans.

“Well, hello!” an Irish accent interrupted them from the doorway, causing Harry to jump and fall to the floor in a panic.

“Fuck,” Harry stumbled, his face red with embarrassment as he clambered to his feet. “You must be my roommate? I’m Harry, and this is my boyfriend, Louis.”

Louis sat in silence, watching the exchange from the bed. The Irishman moved into the room, letting the door close behind him as he shook Harry’s hand. Louis had completely forgotten about the other side of the dorm, the side that had already been moved into and unpacked. He’d forgotten about the fact that Harry’s new flatmate could walk in on them at any second, and now he was watching a blonde (and rather jolly) guy talk to Harry like they’d known each other for centuries.

“I’m Niall!” the loud, Irish accent was now coming from right in front of Louis, causing him to shake himself from his thoughts and stand up from the bed. “Sorry to be such a cock block. We should probably establish some sort of system, so it doesn’t happen again.”

Harry laughed as he came to stand beside Louis, his arm instinctively wrapping around Louis’ waist. “Don’t be sorry, mate. I’m sorry that had to be your first impression of me.”  
“Nonsense!” Niall boomed. _God, this boy was loud._ “I fully support the act of getting off. Will hopefully be doing it meself a million times this year,” he turned his attention back to Louis, grabbing his hand so he could shake it. “Which dorm are you in?”

“Oh, I’m not actually staying,” Louis tried to explain. “I’m staying back in our hometown, doing uni by correspondence.”

Niall’s smile fell for the first time since walking through the door, a feat Louis didn’t think was actually possible. “I’m gutted. I just ruined your goodbye sex, didn’t I? I’m so fucking sorry. Here, I’ll just grab my computer and get out of your way.”

“No, no, no,” Harry said quickly. “You don’t have to do that. We said our goodbyes last night, right Lou?”

Louis shouldn’t be angry, he knew that, but he couldn’t help but feel like someone was twisting a knife into his heart. Niall was trying to give them a chance at a goodbye, to give them the chance to at least have a moment alone before Louis had to leave, and Harry was just throwing it away? Harry had been in London for all of two hours and their relationship was already falling apart. “Uh, yeah. I actually probably should get to the train station anyways.”

He could feel Harry’s eyes burn a whole into his skin. “Thought your train didn’t leave for another three hours?”

Louis turned to meet Harry’s stare just then and if his heart hadn’t already been tearing into a million pieces it would have shattered from the look of disappointment in Harry’s eyes. “Well, I just wanted to grab something to eat before I head back, and maybe shop for the girls a bit. And you know me, I’ll probably get lost a million times before I actually find the place.”

“I was going to drive you?” Harry’s words shouldn’t have been a question, but they were. And

Louis knew he was being a dick, he knew he was being a proper _arsehole_ , but he couldn’t help it. He was writhing with anger that he couldn’t even explain, and he just needed to get out of there. He needed to get away from Harry and his new flashy flatmate and fucking process what the hell was happening.

“I can walk, it’s not far from here,” Louis said quietly, not breaking the staring contest he had found himself in with Harry.

“I’m uh, just gonna give you guys a moment to say goodbye,” Niall’s voice broke through the thick, tension-filled air. “Was nice to meet you, Louis! See you soon, I hope!”

Harry rounded on Louis the second the door was closed, the second they were alone. “What the hell, Lou? Why are you being like this?”

“Being like what exactly?” Louis hated the anger in his voice, hated the way every word came out louder and grittier than he intended. He could count on one hand how many times he’d truly raised his voice at Harry, and the last thing he wanted to do was yell at him when they should be holding each other and promising forever. “You’re the one who seems eager to get rid of me! Niall was going to give us the chance to be alone and you just tossed it away!”

Harry flinched as Louis yelled but recovered quickly, letting his voice reach the same level. “So, you’re mad because you didn’t get to fuck one last time? Seriously, Lou? Is that really all you fucking care about?”

“Are you fucking daft, Styles? I just wanted to cuddle my boyfriend before I had to say goodbye and not see him for three weeks! I just wanted one fucking second to not feel like everything’s falling apart!”

 “And who’s fault is that? Whose fault is it that we have to say goodbye in the first place?” Harry sat back down on the bed, almost deflating into himself as he hung his head in his hands. “You’re leaving me just as much as I’m leaving you,” he whispered quietly into his palms, so quiet that Louis almost missed it entirely.

Louis felt like he’d been punched in the stomach as he processed Harry’s words. They’d spent the better part of the summer skirting around the fact that Louis had changed all of their plans in the blink of an eye. Louis had avoided the topic entirely, in fear of seeing the look of hurt and sadness he’d seen in Harry’s eyes the day he’d told him the truth. Louis was a coward. But now he had no choice but to face the hurt he’d caused Harry.

“Haz,” he breathed as he sat down beside Harry, his hand running small circles on the curly haired boy’s back. “Harry, I never wanted to hurt you, to leave you, I swear it.”

Harry moved his hands away from his face, turning his head to look at Louis with tear-filled eyes. “Why are we fighting when we only have a few hours together?” he asked the question in a way that made Louis’ heart break a million times over. _Because I’m a fucking idiot._

“I can’t stay, Harry,” and yup, Louis _was_ a fucking idiot. He should be kissing Harry, apologizing over and over for ruining everything. He should be telling Harry he loves him more than logically possible. But instead he was brushing Harry’s curls away from his eyes and saying goodbye. _Motherfucking idiot of the year_. “I think it’s best if I just get myself to the station and wait for that train. If I stay here any longer I’m going to go crazy and we’re just going to keep fighting.”

“Lou,” Harry whined out his name, the tears that had been threatening to escape finally pouring down his face. “I’m not ready.”

Louis moved from the bed and kneeled on the floor in front of Harry, taking his face in between his hands. “Hey, don’t do that,” he cooed as he kissed Harry’s tears away. But who was he to tell Harry not to cry when his eyes were basically the Niagara fucking Falls right now? “We’re going to see each other in a few weeks, yeah? And we’ll call each other every day. You’ll be so sick of me that you won’t even miss me.” Louis deserved an award. He may be crying the entire contents of his body’s water percentage, but he was doing a damn good job at keeping the rest of it together. He could do this. He could reassure Harry and get himself the fuck out of the dorm before he fell apart entirely.

“Please don’t go,” Harry pleaded, and Louis knew he didn’t just mean right now, but in general. 

“I can’t stay, Hazza,” Louis repeated through his tears. “You know I can’t.”

Harry wrapped his arms around Louis, burying his face in his neck. “I can’t do this without you. I don’t know how to do this without you.”

“Sshh,” Louis soothed Harry, kissing the side of his head before taking his face in his hands again. “You’ve got this, yeah? You’re going to be amazing. You’ll probably have a load of friends by tonight.”

“But they won’t be you.”

Louis clicked his tongue in disapproval before connecting his lips to Harry’s, their tears mixing and making the kiss wet and messy. “I love you,” he said against Harry’s lips. “I love you so much. We’ll be okay. Everything is going to be fine.”

And maybe Louis didn’t truly believe his own words, but he’d say them a million times over if they made Harry feel better. Louis would do everything in his power to make everything okay, to ensure they survived this. He’d do everything in his power to make sure that this didn’t turn out to be the biggest mistake of his life. He’d do anything just to keep beautiful, sunny Harry who made his whole world turn. They could do this – they _would_ do this – even if Louis had to keep convincing himself every step of the way.

*

If Louis was religious or had any particular belief system, he’d be thanking some higher power right now. He was sat on the train, staring out the window and eternally grateful for the fact that nobody seemed to have purchased a ticket for the seat beside him. The last thing he needed was some stranger judging him for the tears that were running down his face in a rather consistent stream. The last thing he needed was the explain to some nosey Nancy that he was currently questioning whether or not his relationship was going to survive long-distance. Convincing himself was one thing, convincing somebody else was entirely impossible.

He watched the world pass by through the window of the train, not even really paying any mind to anything going on around him. All he could do was think about the boy he’d left in London. All he could do was wonder what Harry was doing right this second and if he was just as miserable as Louis currently was. None of it really mattered though. It didn’t matter if Harry was currently curled up in his new dorm bed bawling his eyes out. It was all irrelevant. Everything would be irrelevant without Harry in his life. Nothing really mattered as long as Harry was in London and Louis was in Holmes Chapel. All that mattered was the 298 kilometres that separated them, and those 298 kilometres were going to be the death of Louis.

Louis shook his head, trying to rid himself of his dramatic thoughts. Maybe he should have applied to drama school. Maybe he would have been better off using his dramatic nature towards good rather than wallowing in self-pity. Maybe he should have done a lot of things (like not change his and Harry’s plans). But it was too late now. Everything was changing, and he had no way to stop it.

 _I’m doing this for them_ , he thought to himself. His mum needed him. The girls needed him. Harry would be just fine. But that didn’t mean Louis would be. Louis wasn’t fine at all.

~

Louis woke up the next morning feeling like he’d drank entire bottle of tequila the night before – he was sporting one of the worst headaches he’d ever had in his life (even after actually drinking his body weight in alcohol) and his eyes were completely bloodshot. So, now he knew what it felt like to wake up after crying himself to sleep the night before. He’d fallen asleep somewhere between Harry’s constant texts of how much he already missed him and the one where he was telling Louis all about how he and Niall had gotten drunk and were now playing pool in the common room with a bunch of other guys from their floor. And Louis _wasn’t_ jealous. He was just mildly concerned that maybe Harry would forget about him faster than he’d originally thought. He was just mildly concerned that uni was going to tear them apart.

“You look awful,” Lottie stated as Louis entered his family’s kitchen, where the girls were already sat around the table.

“Gee, thanks,” Louis grumbled as he made his way to the kettle. He could kiss his mother’s feet for the fact that there was a fresh pot of tea already brewing.

Jo poured two mugs full of Yorkshire tea, kissing Louis’ temple as she passed one to him. “Have you heard from Harry this morning?”

Okay, kissing her feet was now out of the question. He absolutely _wasn’t_ over analyzing the fact that Harry hadn’t messaged him yet this morning. He absolutely _wasn’t_ wondering if Harry had already found someone better. “Nope,” he responded shortly, popping the “p”.

“He’s probably still sleeping, love,” his mum said as if she could read his mind.

Louis rolled his eyes, grabbing his tea and moving back towards the stairs so he could take refuge in his bed. “Never said I was worried about it, did I?” He snapped the words as he headed up the stairs. And okay, maybe he wasn’t being fair to his mum – his lovely mum who was just trying to make him feel better. But he had to take his anxiety out on someone, and she was an easy target.

He flopped back down on his bed, opening his laptop and attempting to start on a short assignment he’d been given for the first week of classes. School wasn’t even officially scheduled to start for another few days, but it was the only thing he had to keep his mind off Harry. As he tried to write a short essay about what photography meant to him, he found his mind drifting back to Harry over and over again. He was finally starting to actually focus when his phone alerted him to the fact that Harry had just made a new post to his Instagram, immediately sending a wave of nausea through his body. Okay, so Harry had time to post to fucking social media, but he didn’t have enough time to text the words “good morning”? Or even a simple “hello”? _Cool, Louis always thought he wasn’t good enough for Harry anyways._

He was just about to drown himself in self-pity when he opened his Instagram and got his first look at Harry’s newest post. He’d been expecting a picture from the previous night, a group picture of all of his bright and shiny new friends. He’d been wrong. Of course he’d been wrong. Their relationship meant more than that. Instead, he was staring at a picture of the two of them, a picture Harry had taken earlier in the summer when they’d been swimming in Harry’s pool. They were wet and happy, Louis clinging to the edge of the pool as Harry wrapped himself around his back and snapped a picture of him kissing Louis’ cheek. He took one look at the caption Harry had chosen and all of his doubt fading away in an instant.

 _You're still the one I run to_  
The one that I belong to  
yYou're still the one I want for life

Louis couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. Even as he closed Instagram and opened his message feed with Harry, he couldn’t stop the flutter of his heart or the shit-eating grin. He’d had no right to doubt Harry. He’d had no right to question the strength of their relationship. They were solid. They’d always be solid.

**To: Hazza <3 **

**You’re still the one I love, the only one I dream of**

He knew it was cheesy to quote the rest of the chorus to him, but what else was he but a hopeless romantic? Harry had inspired him to be the cheesiest person countless times before. He’d commit every cliché in the book if it meant making sure Harry knew he loved him.

**From: Hazza <3**

**I miss you xxxx ...and Niall snores like a banshee**

Louis giggled, moving his fingers across his screen immediately.

**To: Hazza <3 **

**I miss you too baby. I’ll come smother him for you**

He waited for the three little bubbles to appear, indicating that Harry was typing back, but they never came. Louis was about to throw his phone across the room and pout when his phone started to ring instead, Harry’s contact photo appearing on the screen.

“Hey,” Louis breathed as soon as he hit the answer button. It had been hours since he’d heard Harry’s voice – almost an entire day – and he was losing his mind.

“Lou,” Harry whispered into the receiver. There was a minute of silence, and Louis was about to check if their call had disconnected when he heard some shuffling and then Harry’s voice once again. “Sorry, didn’t want to wake Niall up so I’m just sitting in the loo.”

“Fuck, I miss you so much, Haz.”

Harry took a shaky breath on the other line. “I miss you too, Lou. I miss you so fucking much. It hasn’t even been a day yet and I’m going crazy.”

“Me too,” Louis admitted. “Thought about going to your house when I woke up this morning then remembered you weren’t even there.”

“What did you want?” Harry asked in a low, rough voice – a voice Louis knew all too well.

“Hazza,” Louis laughed a bit. “You’re sat in your dorm washroom. Are you really horny right now?”

Harry groaned, almost sounding embarrassed. Louis could just imagine him hiding his face in his big hands. “ _Louuu,_ ” Harry whined. “Don’t poke fun. I miss you. _All of me misses you_.”

And well, _fuck._ Louis had anticipated this, had fucking dreamt of phone sex with Harry. They’d done it before, on summer vacations when Harry’s mum would drag him to his grandparents’ house for weeks on end. But their current situation meant that phone sex would be their new normal, and it was both insanely intriguing and insanely depressing all at the same time.

“Woke up so hard,” Harry breathed into the phone, causing Louis to shake himself from his thoughts and focus on his voice once again. “So fucking hard just thinking about you.”

“What were you thinking about?” Louis asked as he set down his mug of tea and settled back into his pillows.

Harry was basically panting on the other side of the call, and Louis could just picture it – could just picture how wrecked he looked. “Was thinking ‘bout waking you up with my mouth, your fingers tugging on my hair.”

 _Jesus._ It had taken all of .02 seconds for Louis to get rock hard. That had to be a new record, even during his embarrassing early teenaged years. “Mmm, love when you do that baby,” he cooed into the phone, his hand dipping beneath the band of his joggers. “You’re so good with your mouth.”

“ _Fuck, Louis_ ,” and Louis could hear it, could hear Harry’s fist work his cock quickly. He matched his own movements to Harry’s pace, desperate for them to come together. “Fuck, I wish you were here. Want to ride you so bad. Want you to fill me up.”

Harry was always a talker, always so vocal when it came to sex, and it was one of the things that made him the best (and okay, the _only)_ partner Louis had ever had. But the way Harry was currently moaning into the phone, the way his breathing was hitched, and the way he kept gasping Louis’ name had Louis so close to the edge. “I’d wreck you so bad, baby.”

“You always fuck me so good, Lou,” Harry said with a whine, and Louis could tell he was _right there_.

“You gonna come, baby?” Harry could only respond with a whine, which was enough of an answer for Louis. “Come with me, baby.”

The string of curses and the way Harry moaned Louis’ name was enough to send him over the edge, both of them gasping into the phone at the exact same time. And okay, maybe having Harry moaning his name over the phone wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe there was a benefit to long-distance after all.

“Fucking hell, Hazza,” Louis broke the silence once his breathing was back to normal, once he could tell Harry was in a state where he could speak again. “That was incredible. You’re fucking incredible.”

Harry laughed. “Not as incredible as you, Loubear. I have to shower and get ready for orientation. I’ll text you, yeah?”

“You better,” Louis hadn’t meant it as a threat, but it sounded a bit like one anyways. Oh well, he probably would steal his mum’s car and drive to London if Harry didn’t text him. He probably was that crazy.

“I will, promise. I love you, Lou.”

“Love you, Hazza. Forever.”

“Always,” Harry confirmed before ending the call, leaving Louis breathless and happy, and maybe just a tad bit lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always, would love to hear your thoughts/opinions/hopes/dreams xx
> 
> Hit me up on instagram at _if.i.couldfly_


	3. While We're Young

_I’ve been so lost without you_

_Are you lost without me too?_

(While We’re Young- Marianas Trench)

 

Three weeks wasn’t an eternity, Louis _knew_ that to be true, but that rational piece of knowledge didn’t make three weeks pass by any faster. Every second felt like an hour, every hour felt like an entire day, and Louis was 100% sure he’d gone crazy – Louis was 100% sure that no human being should be as addicted to checking the time as he was. He spent three weeks trying to lose himself in his school work, in taking care of the girls, in holding down his part time job as an assistant to a local wedding photographer. He’d spent his time talking on the phone to Harry, listening to all of his boyfriend’s exciting stories and ticking off the boxes of all of the things that Harry got to experience without him. First university party ( _check_ ), first time going to a lecture still drunk ( _check)_ , first time walking in on his roommate banging the girl from across the hall ( _check_ ). It didn’t matter that Harry never faltered from his promise to call him every day. It didn’t matter that Harry could tell stories in a way that made Louis feel like he’d been right there through it all. None of it mattered because Louis was still just so fucking _alone_. It didn’t matter because Harry’s life was actually moving forward, and Louis’ was just staying the same. The only thing that had changed was that he no longer had Harry by his side. The only thing that had changed depressed the living shit out of him.

Louis felt like he’d been on the train for a lot longer than just a few hours. It felt more like an entire day. He’d tried to preoccupy his mind with schoolwork, but it was pointless. All he could think about was the fact that he was headed towards Harry – two nights and three days of uninterrupted Harry time. He had plans – _oh god, did he have plans_. They’d make the most of the 48 hours they had together if it was the last thing Louis ever did. This weekend would be the only time they got to see each other until Harry’s reading week, and the mere thought of another month apart was already driving Louis fucking mad.

The second the train started to roll into the station, Louis was on his feet. He tried to keep his excitement at bay, but as he shifted his duffle bag to his other shoulder he thought he may just spontaneously combust. He spotted Harry the second he stepped off the train, his smile just as big as the one Louis was wearing across his own face.

He wanted to drop his bag, run towards Harry, and leap into his arms like a koala bear – but he had to remind himself that his life wasn’t one of those romantic comedies Harry had  _forced_ him to watch. So, instead he walked to his boyfriend as Harry walked towards him, meeting halfway like the magnetic force their relationship was. _Okay, Louis had to dial it down._

Louis finally got his big romantic comedy moment when he dropped his bag to the ground and pulled Harry against him the second they were close enough to touch. His senses were in overdrive; Harry’s scent, touch, and very being all around him, driving him crazy and making him feel like he was home all at once. It was almost too much – almost too dizzying for him to even remain on his feet. He was so _consumed_ by Harry, and after missing him the way he had been for the past few weeks, being there with him almost felt an overdose.

“Lou,” Harry’s mouth was right against his neck, his breath sending shivers up and down Louis’ spine. God, even just the feeling of Harry’s breath was enough to send Louis into a haze.

Louis took a deep breath, drinking in every ounce of Harry he possibly could. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”

He could feel Harry sigh against him, Harry’s fingers digging into Louis’ waist. “Oh Lou,” Harry countered. “I think I have an idea.”

They stayed like that for a long time, just holding onto each other. Louis could feel himself get lost in the feeling of Harry’s body against his, of Harry’s heartbeat beating against his own chest, against his very own heartbeat. Louis could have stayed like that for forever – he could have stood on the platform of the train station in Harry’s arms for the rest of eternity. But Louis had to let go as Harry let go and picked up his duffle bag – Louis had to take a step back and mourn the loss of Harry’s body being flush against his own as Harry took Louis’ hand and led him towards the exit of the train station.

Louis listened to Harry babble nonstop as they walked the short distance to the King’s College campus. He tried to keep up with everything Harry was trying to tell him, all of the updates of his life and all the plans he’d made for them over the course of the weekend, but Louis could barely keep up. He could barely focus on the sound of Harry’s voice while he watched London bustle around him. He could barely focus on the words coming out of Harry’s mouth while Harry’s hand was pressed against his own, sending a million sparks through Louis’ bloodstream. How could he possibly focus on some measly little words when he had Harry walking right beside him? He was only human after all.  

“Does that sound okay?” Harry’s voice was breaking through Louis’ thoughts, bringing him back to reality. “Lou? Earth to Lou.”

Louis shook his head, literally shaking himself out of his own thoughts, a smile on his face as he looked up at Harry. “Sorry.”

“You weren’t listening, were you?” Louis would have been worried that Harry was actually mad if it hadn’t been for the scrunch of Harry’s nose or the way Harry’s perfect lips were curled up into a smile. “I thought maybe we could hit up this party Jake...he’s this guy that lives on my floor...anyways, he’s having a party. That way you can meet everyone. They’re all really looking forward to meeting you.”

 _Oh_. Louis’ stomach dropped. He’d made so many plans, had formulated so many ideas on how they were going to spend the weekend together, and a floor party with a bunch of other people hadn’t made the cut. Of course he wanted to meet Harry’s friends – of course he wanted Harry to show him off – but Louis was selfish. He wanted Harry all to himself. He wanted to spend 48 uninterrupted hours with his boyfriend.

“That sounds great,” Louis found himself saying, because no matter how selfish he may be, pleasing Harry would always be his number one goal.

*

Louis found himself sighing in relief when they opened Harry’s dorm room door to find the room lacking a certain Irish music major. Louis had learned a lot about Niall over the last few weeks, he’d even spent a significant amount of time talking to him while he FaceTimed Harry, but right now he just needed Harry all to himself. He needed at least five minutes of just Louis and Harry time. That wasn’t too much to ask. _Was it?_

“Hi,” Harry’s voice came from behind him, his arms circling around Louis' waist and his chest pressing into Louis’ back. _Fuck, Louis had missed this. He needed this._

Louis turned around in Harry’s arms, wrapping his own arms around Harry’s neck. “Hi,” he whispered back. He couldn’t even find his full voice, couldn’t even be bothered to try to find it when he had Harry standing right there in his arms.

“I like this,” Harry stated as he fingered at the hem of Louis’ grey jumper, rubbing the fabric between his thumb and pointer finger. “Would like it better off though.”

Louis threw his head back in laughter, a laughter so strong that the corners of his eyes crinkled from the smile on his face. “Such a charmer.”

Harry’s eyes darkened with every second Louis spent not taking off his jumper. “Jumper. Off. Now.”

They fell onto the bed in a fit of laughter, Harry’s hands pulling at Louis’ jumper and Louis’ lips at Harry’s neck. They were entangled in every way possible, and all Louis could think about as his back hit the bed was that he could spend the rest of his life being entangled with Harry. All he could think about was how Harry was his forever.

*

“Louis! Tommo!” Niall’s loud voice filled the dorm room the second he unlocked the door. It had been hours since Louis’ arrival and he and Harry were now sitting cross legged on the floor, containers of Chinese food surrounding them.

Louis shook his head at Niall’s nickname for him, they barely even knew each other and yet Niall acted as if they were the very best mates in the whole world. Maybe in a different life, one where Louis actually lived in London, they would have been. “Nialler! How’s it going?”

Niall dropped his backpack onto the floor and plopped himself beside Harry and Louis, his fingers immediately reaching out for a spare pair of chopsticks and a container of kung pao chicken. “That fucking theory class killed me today. All I wanna do is make some music. I don’t give a fuck about fucking theory.”

Harry patted Niall’s back in comfort. “You’ll get the hang of it. I’ll quiz you before your test next week.”

Niall beamed, turning his attention to Louis. “You’re lucky I like birds, Tommo. You’ve got yourself a good one here. Don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Louis smiled, reaching out and running a hand over Harry’s knee. “The very best.”

*

“You’re wearing joggers to the party?” Harry asked with just a hint of judgement as he moved to stand behind Louis in front of the full-length mirror hanging from the back of the bathroom door. He moved his hands to the front of Louis’ jogging pants, fingering at the drawstring.

Louis shrugged his shoulders, eyeing Harry through the mirror. “Is that okay? I thought since it’s just in the dorm it would be okay.”

“It’s fine, Lou.”

But it wasn’t fine, that much was obvious from the way Harry’s shoulders fell a bit and the way his lips weren’t quite forming a true smile. Harry had never had a problem with the way Louis dressed before, which up until the present time had been exactly the way he was currently dressed. But then again, Harry had never used name brand cologne before or had spent more than twenty minutes in front of the mirror perfecting his hair. And it didn’t bother Louis, not really, but it didn’t sit right inside of him either – all of the minor changes, all of the small ways in which Harry was already different sat like a heavy brick on Louis’ chest. Harry was changing already, and it wasn’t that Louis didn’t want him to change, but he just wished he could have been a part of it. Louis was missing out on everything. The next thing he knew Harry would be coming home for reading week and Louis wouldn’t even be able to recognize him.

“I’ll just put on some jeans,” Louis said quietly as he moved from the mirror and towards his duffle bag, shuffling through the few articles of clothing he’d packed until he found a pair of black skinny jeans.

“Lou,” Harry sighed, stuffing his hands into his own tight jeans. “You don’t have to change. I just...I’m sorry...it doesn’t matter.”

“It’s fine, Haz. It’s not like I’d want to make a bad impression or anything.” _Shit._ Louis hadn’t meant to say the last bit out loud, and he certainly hadn’t meant for it to come out as sassy and sarcastic as it had. He’d hoped for a miracle, that maybe Harry hadn’t heard or hadn’t picked up on the sarcasm, but the look on Harry’s face said otherwise. Harry’s eyebrows were furrowed, and his mouth was set in a deep frown.

“Lou,” Harry made to move closer to Louis but seemed to think twice as he shuffled back a couple feet. “If you don’t want to go to the party we don’t have to. I don’t want to drag you there.”

Louis plastered a smile on his face, making sure it was big enough to make the corners of his eyes crinkle. This was not a fight he wanted to have with Harry, not when they were battling against the clock. He wasn’t going to spend the forty hours he had left with Harry arguing. He just _wouldn’t._

“C’mon, Haz, don’t you want to show off my bum to all your fancy uni friends?”

*

Louis wanted to enjoy himself, he really _really_ did, but the thing was, all he could do was mope around and wonder why Harry would rather spend one of their only nights together around a million other people. Louis wanted to ask, he wanted to question Harry’s motives, but the argument they’d had the day Harry had moved to London kept replaying in his head. And the thing was, Louis didn’t want to be alone with Harry because of _sex_ (sex was just an added bonus); he wanted to be alone with Harry because he missed Harry with every fibre of his being, and the longing he felt in his chest wasn’t dissipating – not with all of the people surrounding them. He couldn’t stop _missing_ Harry when he had to share him with everyone else.

“H! You made it!” Louis squared his shoulders as the first stranger of the night moved towards them. He was tall with blue eyes that threatened to put Louis’ to shame. And wait... _H?_ What the hell was that? Since when did a blue-eyed boy who _wasn’t_ Louis have a nickname for Harry? And okay, maybe Louis was waving his jealousy around for everyone to see – _but what the actual fuck?_

“Hey Jack,” Louis shook himself from his thoughts as Harry’s voice broke through his cloud of jealousy. “Lou, this is my friend Jack. He’s in my program.”

 _Peachy,_ just fucking _peachy_. “Nice to meet you, Jack.” Louis knew his smile was a bit forced, and maybe the grip he had on Jack’s extended hand was a tad aggressive – _but too fucking bad._

“H here has told me all about his Loubear,” Jack’s smile was genuine, and Louis knew he was probably trying to be nice, but his use of _Loubear_ got under Louis’ skin and festered there like angry bacteria.

Louis wanted to play nice, he wanted to be good (for Harry’s sake), but when he opened his mouth he realized he wasn’t nice at all – he _couldn’t_ be nice at all. “That’s funny, _H_ here hasn’t mentioned you at all.”

He could feel Harry tense up beside him. Louis could feel the way Harry’s hand gripped at his elbow, fingers digging deep into his flesh. Louis wasn’t being fair, he knew that, but that didn’t mean he knew how to just snap his fingers and erase the blinding jealousy that was searing the inside of his skull. “ _Lou_ ,” Harry’s voice was a hiss right in his ear, and Louis couldn’t help but feel a wave of guilt wash over him. He had no right, _no right_ to be an asshole to someone he didn’t even know.

He just couldn’t help it.

“Well, there’s some crisps and other snacks over there,” Jack pointed in the direction behind Louis, his smile still on his face if only slightly less genuine. “Hope you brought your A game H, we’re playing against Niall and Leah in a bit.”

Harry waited until Jack was gone before turning on Louis, his eyebrows furrowed, and his mouth set in a frown. “What the fuck, Louis?”

“What are you playing?” And Louis was dumbass of the fucking year because Harry was standing there, demanding an explanation and Louis was only concerned about the fact that his boyfriend was paired up with Jack for some sort of game.

“Beer pong,” Harry answered with a shake of his head, as if it was the stupidest question ever (which, okay, it was, but Louis was also stupid so what else did he expect?). “Louis, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? Jack’s my friend, hell, he’s a _human being_ , why were you so rude to him?”

And the way Louis saw it, he had two options. He could either look pathetic and admit his jealousy, or he could shrug off Harry’s question and pretend like nothing had even happened – he could pretend as though he wasn’t being the world’s biggest arse right now. “I wasn’t being rude, I was just telling the truth. You never talk about Jack.”

Harry’s hands were in his hair, pulling at his curls in frustration. “I talk about my friends all the time.”

Exactly, Harry talked about his friends _all the fucking time_ , and Louis was tired. He was tired of not being the most fun and interesting person in Harry’s life. He was tired of not being in the know of all of Harry’s experiences and adventures. Harry had other people – he had _Jack –_ to experience everything with now, and Louis felt left behind. He felt left behind and alone.

Louis nodded his head in the direction of where Jack, Niall, and a girl he’d never met before were standing around a table, obviously waiting for Harry. “Your friends are waiting for you,” Louis said, his voice low and resigned. “Go play, I’ll get drunk off my arse and mingle. Only have a couple days to meet all your new friends.”

Harry stood there expectedly, as if he wanted to say something, like he _had_ something to say, but instead he turned on his heel and made his way towards his group of friends. Louis watched him for what felt like eternity, watched Harry fist bump with Jack and banter with Niall and Leah about how they were going down. Louis watched while Harry fit in so perfectly with these people, and Louis couldn’t stop the aching that was currently wrapping itself around his heart. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t sit back and watch Harry slip away.  _He wouldn’t_.

*

Louis was more beers in then he could count and he felt like he was floating. Somewhere around the fifth beer and third shot of tequila (which in hindsight probably wasn’t the best decision he’d ever made), Louis had let go – or at least forgotten – about the jealousy and loneliness he’d felt at the beginning of the night. Louis was free from it all, _carefree_ really, and actually enjoying himself. And he didn’t have time – or the care really – to think about it, to fucking analyze it like he’d been analyzing everything lately. All he had time for was to be carefree with his boyfriend, with his Hazza _._ All he had time for was to _be with Harry._

“C’mon mate, I bet we could kick their asses!” Niall was currently yelling right in Louis’ ear, his arm slung around his shoulder and his breath smelling like nothing but beer. He was currently trying to convince Louis to play yet another round of beer pong, which Niall had lost every round of since the beginning of the night.

“Hands off, Nialler,” Harry hissed from the other side of Louis, even more drunk than Louis was himself. “Loubear is _my_ partner. We’ll take you and Jack on.”

As it turned out, having Harry as his beer pong partner was quite counter-productive. Harry was hanging off Louis’ back, taking every shot with one hand on Louis’ stomach and the other haphazardly throwing the ping pong ball, missing the intended target nine out of ten times. Louis didn’t mind though, not a _single_ bit. He didn’t mind the way Harry’s lips seemed to be connected to his neck or the way Harry was breathing hot in his ear. And Louis certainly didn’t mind the fact that the copious amount of alcohol that was swimming around in his bloodstream was erasing every ounce of jealousy and depressing though he’d once had.

“You’re so bad at this game, baby,” Harry cooed into Louis’ neck, his tongue poking out to lick the sensitive skin.

Louis feigned offence, his jaw dropping as he turned his head, so he could look up at Harry. “I’m wounded, Harold. I’d be a million times better if I didn’t have your drunk arse hanging all over me.” Harry jutted out his bottom lip in a pout as he peeled his body away from Louis. “Oh, come here you big loaf. Don’t look so sad. You know I love having you all over me.”

Harry’s lips turned back into a smile as he plastered himself to Louis’ side, wrapping his arms around Louis’ waist. “What do you say we call it quits, lads?”

Louis met Harry’s eyes, his emerald orbs telling Louis all he needed to know. “I’m knackered,” he replied, stretching his arms over his neck and stifling a (rather fake) yawn.

Niall wiggled his eyebrows at Harry and Louis, laughing as the two of them laced their fingers together and bid their farewells. Louis didn’t miss the way that Jack’s eyes seemed to linger at where Harry and Louis were connected, and he didn’t miss the way Jack’s smile seemed to finally slip into a frown. _Good, it suits him,_ Louis thought with an aura of smugness as he led Harry back to his room.

“Did you see Jack’s face?” Louis asked through a fit of giggles as Harry attempted to unlock his dorm room, his drunken state not helping him achieve his goal. “He was proper jealous, finally realized he’s never going to get his precious _H_. Finally realized you’re all mine.”

Harry didn’t respond until he’d shut the door behind them, until they were closed off in the silence of the room with no one else around. Louis almost cowered in the corner when he saw the look on Harry’s face as he turned around to face him. “I don’t get it,” Harry was angry, his voice laced in frustration. “Everything was going great and you actually seemed to be getting along with my friends, and now you’re just right back to being an ass.”

Louis ran his fingers through his fringe. He was too drunk to fight, too drunk to know which one of them was right and which one was wrong. “I’m not trying to be an _ass_ , Harry. Maybe you don’t notice the way that guy looks at you like you’re some fucking piece of meat, but I’m not about to sit back and watch him give my boyfriend _fuck me_ eyes.”

“He doesn’t look at me like anything!” It seemed as though Harry had finally had enough, as if he’d finally reached his breaking point. “He’s my friend, Louis! My fucking friend, and you treated him like shit tonight. Do you know how embarrassing that is?”

“Oh, you don’t have to explain to me how _embarrassing_ I am to you, Haz. God fucking forbid I show up to a dorm room party in a pair of joggers. Wouldn’t want to ruin your perfect reputation you’ve got here with all of your precious little friends.”

Harry’s face fell as Louis spit the words out at him, and all Louis wanted to do was take them all back. All he wanted to do was take the steps he needed to take to break the distance between them and hold Harry in his arms. He wanted to apologize for being such a twat, for being so consumed and driven by his jealousy that he couldn’t even think straight. He wanted to explain to Harry that all of his actions and words were a result of a deep seeded insecurity that he was going to lose him – but he couldn’t do any of it, not while the room was spinning around him and Harry was scowling. He couldn’t do any of it when he was so drunk off his arse that he couldn’t even think of a coherent sentence anymore.

“I don’t want to fight anymore,” Harry was finally the one to resign, to put an end to the ridiculous fight and call a momentary truce. “Let’s just go to bed.”

Louis watched as Harry peeled his clothes off, leaving only his boxer briefs on as he climbed into bed and pulled the duvet back, watching Louis expectantly. Louis took a deep breath, trying not to break under Harry’s watch as he stripped down to his own underwear and climbed into bed beside him. The bed was small, much smaller than the beds they shared back home, but it still felt like there was a mile of space between them. They may have been squished together on the twin sized mattress, but it felt like Harry was too far out of his reach. Louis had never known it was possible to feel so lonely while having someone so close, but here he was, lying in bed beside his soulmate and yet he’d never felt a loneliness quite so strong.

~

The next three weeks passed agonizingly slowly. When Louis wasn’t working on his school work or helping out at work, he was playing and taking care of the girls. When Louis had left London a few weeks earlier, things had still been tense between him and Harry. They’d bickered for most of the weekend, and what had supposed to have been quality couple time had turned into quality arguing time. Louis had sat on the train back to Holmes Chapel with a heaviness in his chest, knowing full well that the arguing and snippy comments had been mostly his fault. He’d been overly jealous when he’d had no real right to be.

Things had slowly gone back to normal, or at least their _new_ normal, over the course of the last three weeks. They still talked every day, although some days were just short conversations because either Harry was running to class or Louis was off to work or watching the girls. Their schedules were never quite aligned, but they managed to find precious moments where they could FaceTime for more than ten minutes. It was during those longer moments where Louis found his sense of sanity. It was during the rare late-night FaceTime sessions, when Niall was out at some activity and Harry had the room to himself, when Louis felt like everything was going to be okay. It was when he got the chance to watch Harry drift off to sleep (albeit through his computer screen) that Louis felt like they were going to make it after all.

It had only really been two months, just a measly seven weeks of long distance, of Harry being off in London and Louis being stuck in Holmes Chapel, and yet it had already felt like a lifetime to Louis. He had no idea how they were supposed to make it another six months. He had no idea how he was supposed to be patient enough and wait around for the school year to be over and for Harry to be coming back to him. Louis had never been a patient person, he couldn’t even remember a single moment in his life where he’d ever exercised an ounce of patience, but right now he deserved a fucking medal. _Most patient person of the year_ _award goes to Louis Tomlinson._

*  
Louis wasn’t at Harry’s house because he knew Harry would be arriving home for reading week at any moment, he _wasn’t._ He was at Harry’s house because Anne had asked him to clean the gutters weeks ago and he’d only just managed to find the time to do so, so if he happened to find himself on a ladder propped against the house when Harry’s Audi pulled up in the carpark...well, that was just a random perk. It was simply just a coincidence.

“Lou?” Harry’s voice filled his ear drums the second the Audi’s engine was cut at the driver’s door was open, sending warmth throughout Louis’ entire body.

Louis pivoted on the ladder, so he could see his boy, see the way his hands were stuffed in his jean pockets and the incredible smile on his face, dimples as pronounced as ever. “Fancy seeing you here, Hazza.”

Harry’s smile grew even bigger (how that was even possible, Louis had no idea) as he made his way towards the ladder, hands reaching out to grab either rung as he looked up at Louis. “Mum got you cleaning the gutters?”

Louis smirked, making sure his signature sass was coming across as much as possible. “Well, her biological son up and left her to fend for herself, so her favourite child came to the rescue.”

Harry threw his head back in laughter. “Are you going to come down here and kiss me, or what?”

Louis rolled his eyes, pretending as if Harry’s request was some inconvenience, but climbing down the ladder nonetheless. His foot caught on the last rung, sending him falling but landing safely in Harry’s arms.

“Oops,” Harry laughed as he caught Louis’ waist, stumbling under the new added weight and falling backwards onto the grass, Louis landing safely on top of him.

“Hi,” Louis breathed out with a smile, his mouth only millimetres away from Harry’s.

Their lips connected instantly, Louis basically melting against Harry’s pink mouth. Harry’s lips were perfection, his favourite things on earth (besides Harry as a whole, that is). All Louis wanted was to lay on the cold grown on top of Harry for the rest of eternity. He never wanted to move, he never wanted to stop kissing Harry. Harry was everything – Harry was Louis’ _everything_.

“Ahem,” the sound of someone clearing their throat from behind them had Louis rolling off Harry’s body much too soon. “I’m going to pretend like you haven’t been here for five minutes already and still haven’t come inside to give your mum a hug.”

Harry laughed as he pulled himself up from the grass, holding out his hand and helping Louis up with him. “Sorry mum, someone distracted me,” he giggled as he pulled Louis against him, placing a kiss on Louis’ temple. Anne had a hand on her hip, but a smile on her face as she shook her head at Louis and Harry.

“Ugh, I see long distance hasn’t made you guys any less gross and gooey,” Gemma’s voice interrupted the moment as she came to stand behind Anne in the doorway. “Mum, tell your son to stop flaunting his relationship in front of us single and lonely folk. For the love of god.”

“Sorry, love,” Louis replied, still glued to Harry’s side. “Can’t hide a love like ours.”

Gemma rolled her eyes before turning around and walking back into the house. “Nice to see you, dweeb,” she called out to Harry as she disappeared.

Harry laughed, finally peeling himself away from Louis and making his way towards Anne, engulfing her in a tight hug. Louis couldn’t help but watch with a kind of fondness, the kind of fondness that made his heart beat a million beats a minute and set butterflies loose in his tummy. Louis loved every single part of Harry, but the relationship Harry had with Anne was perhaps the thing he loved most. Harry was kind, loving, and the best kind of person there was in the world. Louis wasn’t quite sure how any of them deserved to have Harry in their lives. Harry was a gift.

*

“This is nice,” Harry said into the silence of his bedroom as he held Louis, both of them laying on the bed tangled in each other’s limbs. It had only been a few hours since he’d pulled into the driveway, and it was the first time since the kiss in the grass that they’d had a moment alone.

“This is _perfect_ ,” Louis corrected as he walked his fingers across Harry’s stomach. He’d missed this, every second of it.

“Lou,” Harry’s voice was heavier, laced with intention and hidden meaning. “I know we haven’t really talked about that weekend, but...”

No, Louis couldn’t do this, he couldn’t talk about _that_ weekend. He couldn’t talk about how big of an arse he’d been or how it had felt like they were falling apart, not now that they seemed to be so good – to be back on track. “Harry, let’s not ruin this.”

Harry sighed, his fingers moving against Louis’ scalp in calming drags. “We need to talk about it, Lou, we need to. I’ve been so worried that we’re not okay. I need to know we’re okay.”

“Of course we’re okay,” Louis rushed out. “I was just being an arse. I was drunk and jealous and I’m sorry.”

Harry turned them so that they were on their sides, barely an inch apart and staring into each other’s eyes. “You have no reason to be jealous, Lou, _never_. I promise.”

“I know,” Louis said with a smile, tracing Harry’s pout with his finger. “It’s just hard, when I miss you this much, it’s hard not to go a little crazy, you know?”

“I know,” Harry agreed, his voice barely even a whisper. His eyes were closed, as if he was too busy enjoying the feel of Louis circling his lips with the pad of his finger to focus on anything else. “I’m going crazy too. This is so hard. So much harder than I thought it would be.”  
Louis paused, only for a split second, too afraid to let Harry see his terror. “But we’ll make it,” his voice quivered, not nearly as authoritative and sure as he’d hoped. “We’ll make it. Right?”

Harry opened his eyes the second the question was passed Louis’ lips. His eyes were a vice, holding Louis’ gaze with an intense need, a need to portray every emotion he was feeling. “We’ll make it,” Harry confirmed, closing the small distance between their bodies, his hands gripping at Louis. “We’ll make it,” he repeated as his lips hovered over Louis’, as his fingers dug into Louis’ waist. “We’ll make it.”

*

Harry had been home for twelve hours, and nothing could drag Louis down from the high that was currently coursing through his veins. They were wrapped around each other in his bed, after spending the past couple of hours playing with the girls while Jo worked a night shift. The whole day had been perfect, every last second of it. Watching Harry play dolls with the girls had made Louis’ heart even more full, which seemed insanely impossible, and yet it had happened. Watching Harry read the girls a bedtime story and tuck them in had made his heart ready to explode. Now that he was laying wrapped up in Harry, he was fairly certain he was dead and in heaven, but the rapid beating of his heart kept reminding him that he was indeed still alive.

“Did you know that you’re perfect?” Harry whispered into the night, his mouth against Louis’ collarbone as he lay half on top of the smaller boy.

Louis laughed lightly at the words as he ducked down to kiss the top of Harry’s head. “Don’t even try me, Haz. I’m sassy and sarcastic. You’re lovely and warm. You’re the perfect one.”

“Hmm,” Harry mumbled against Louis’ skin. “Let’s just agree to disagree, yeah?”

Louis wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist, turning them over so that he was now fully on top of Harry, straddling either side of his hips. He ducked down and placed a quick kiss to Harry’s lips before sitting back up. “How about we agree that we’re both perfect?”

“Perfect for each other. Perfect together.” Harry smiled from underneath him, his fingers gripping at the flesh of Louis’ hips.

Louis ground down at Harry’s words, eliciting the perfect sound from Harry’s lips. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed having you in my bed?”

“Lou,” Harry moaned out the name, lifting his hips off the bed to meet Louis’ as he ground down again.

“I hope you haven’t forgotten how good I can make you feel,” this was it, this is what Louis was made for – making Harry squirm beneath him was his fucking _forte._

“Please,” Harry whined, his head falling back as Louis ground down again, circling figure eights against Harry’s hard cock.

Louis smirked, couldn’t even help it, as he bent down and tugged on Harry’s earlobe with his teeth. “Please, what, baby?”

“Fuck me,” Harry bucked up again, and Louis couldn’t suppress the curse that slipped through his lips. “ _Please_.”

That was all Louis needed. It was all he needed to motivate him to flip them back over so that Harry was now straddling him instead. He’d waited for this moment, oh god how he’d waited, and now he was done with being patient. _So fucking done._

It was all a flash, both of their hands so desperate as they tugged off their underwear and grabbed at any available piece of exposed flesh. Louis wasn’t even quite sure how they’d gotten there, but in a blink of an eye Harry was easing himself down onto Louis’ cock and Louis’ chest was ready to explode with love, lust, and pure happiness. This was it, this was everything. Being so physically and emotionally connected to Harry was everything, everything that was right in this world, and Louis was addicted. Louis was addicted to being so in love, so _with_ Harry, and he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to say goodbye ever again. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to watch Harry get behind the wheel of his car and drive back to London. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to lie in this bed alone ever again. But that didn’t matter, not _now_. Not when he had Harry with him, not when he had Harry taking his cock like this, like they were pieces of a puzzle that belonged slotted together. Not when they were so perfect, so _whole_. This was it. This was all Louis ever needed – all he needed was Harry.

~

It was already Tuesday. Harry had already been home for four days and Louis wasn’t counting down Doom’s Day, he _wasn’t_ , but if he happened to know that they only had four days and twelve hours left together, well, it was just because he was good at math (but he wasn’t, and everyone who knew him knew that). So yes, he was counting down to Doom’s Day. Sue him.

And they hadn’t had any real solid alone time (except for an hour here and there), not since the first night in Louis’ bedroom. Harry had been busy trying to make time for everyone else, and Louis knew that, he could rationalize that. But there was an irrational, darker part of Louis’ brain that was seething, and Louis wasn’t proud. But he was only human, and a jealous one at that.

He could share Harry, he _could._ He had four little sisters, he was the fucking king of sharing.

But right now, he was watching Harry from across a pub table, chatting happily with a group of their old school friends, and Louis wanted nothing more than to steal him away. He wanted to put Harry in his pocket and keep him forever, far away from anyone else. Okay, so Louis was a tad crazy. _Whatever._

“Are we still going to Brighton tomorrow?” Charlie, one of their old classmates asked from his spot beside Harry.

Louis looked between Harry and Charlie, a confused look on his face. “Brighton?” He didn’t miss the flush to Harry’s cheeks, didn’t miss the worried look that flashed across his face.

“Uh, yeah,” Harry stumbled. “There’s a show there tomorrow night we thought we’d go see.”

Oh. _Oh_. So, Harry had made plans that didn’t include Louis. Okay, Louis could do this. _He could._ “Oh, awesome.”

“You’re not coming?” Charlie asked Louis, a look of confusion on his face.

Louis shook his head, his eyes trained on Harry as he answered Charlie’s question. “Nope,” he said with a pop to the “p”. “Wasn’t invited, was I Harry?”

Harry was giving him a warning look, silently begging Louis to drop it and not start a fight in front of their friends. He watched as Harry took a long drink from his pint of beer, refusing to answer Louis’ question, refusing to respond to Louis’ attempt to start a fight really.

*

They didn’t talk directly to each other again until they were walking home from the bar, the silence literally eating its way between them. Harry was angry, Louis always could tell when Harry was angry because he’d get terrifyingly quiet. And Louis should have learned his lesson by now, he should know to leave well enough alone, but well, Louis sort of loved to antagonize. 

“Hope you aren’t planning on sleeping in my bed tonight,” Louis hiccupped throughout his sentence, the several beers he’d had swooshing around in his belly.

Harry scoffed from where he was walking beside him, far enough apart so that their hands didn’t touch as they swayed between them. “You’re an ass, you know that right?”

Louis laughed. “Oh, darling, I’m pretty certain you’re the arse here. I seem to recall the way you were bent over your mum’s couch and taking my cock this morning.”

“Jesus Christ,” Harry huffed, stopping in his tracks at Louis’ words. “You’re such a fucking dick, you know that?”

Louis didn’t even have a chance to respond before Harry grabbed him and forcefully pushed him up against the brick wall that lined the path they were walking down. Harry’s hands were on either side of Louis’ head, his body pressed against him, completely blanketing him and making it impossible to move away.

“You have such a big mouth,” Harry growled, his eyes trained to Louis’ mouth. “Are you even capable of keeping it shut?”

Louis thrived on this, thrived on the moments where he actually got Harry to _break_. Harry was always so careful, so fucking _polite_ , so when he actually showed his anger it did something to Louis. But Louis knew that he probably shouldn’t be playing with fire – he knew he probably shouldn’t be pushing Harry’s buttons. “Make me.”

That was all Harry needed to break the little distance between them, invading the rest of Louis’ space and crashing his lips against Louis’, almost painfully. Louis was helpless against Harry’s attack, his arms hanging at his sides as one of Harry’s hands grabbed roughly at his hip and the other twisted into the hair at the nape of Louis’ neck. Louis couldn’t hold in a moan as Harry tugged at his hair, and he wasn’t even entirely sure if the moan was one of pain or pleasure – or maybe even both. Harry wasn’t letting up, wasn’t even giving Louis an ounce of breathing room. It was all hands, teeth, and a prodding tongue and Louis was _dizzy dizzy dizzy_ from it all.

“Harry,” Louis gasped as Harry moved his lips from Louis’ lips to his neck, teeth meeting skin harshly, surely leaving a mark. “Hazza, Haz, give me a sec...”

“ _Shut up_ ,” Harry growled, his teeth nipping at Louis’ earlobe and pulling. Louis whimpered at the sensation, causing Harry to pull back and almost shake himself from his haze of lust. “Wait, do you actually want me to stop?”

And this was one of the reasons Louis loved Harry so much – it was one of the reasons why Louis would fight for Harry at all costs. Harry got angry, he got mad and sometimes even mean, but he was never _cruel_. He would never do anything to actually hurt Louis.

“God no,” Louis panted against Harry’s mouth, his fingers finally coming alive and knotting themselves into Harry’s hair. “Never want you to stop.”  
And that was all Harry needed. The next thing he knew, Louis was being pulled down the pathway, Harry’s hand a vice around his wrist. He didn’t even bat an eye as they reached Louis’ front door, Harry’s hand digging in Louis’ pant pocket for his housekeys. Harry knew to be quiet, knew how to maneuver his way around the house so that none of the floor boards creaked and woke up Jo or the girls. Louis wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or Harry’s eagerness, but everything was moving at hyper speed. It felt like Louis was naked on all fours with Harry kneeling on the bed behind him, in the matter of only seconds.

“Harry, what are you...” Louis’ sentence was cut off by a jolt of pleasure running through his body. Harry’s mouth was at his hole, his tongue taking greedy licks. “Harrrrrry.”

Harry’s hand found its way to Louis’ mouth, silencing him just as his moans were picking up in volume. “Keep your fucking mouth _shut_ ,” he hissed before dipping his tongue back into Louis’ sensitive heat.

And how was Louis supposed to stay quiet, really? How was he supposed to just silently _take_ the pink lips and perfect tongue that were currently ravaging him? Just as he was about to let out another uncontrollable and incoherent string of moans, Harry’s hand clamped down on his mouth yet again, and the pressure of the hand covering his mouth and the tongue licking into his hole had Louis’ eyes rolling to the back of his head. This was all too much. Harry was just too fucking much.

Harry was too fucking _perfect_ at driving Louis completely and utterly mad.

“Harry, Harry, Harry,” Louis was panting against Harry’s palm, completely unable to hold himself together any longer. Harry’s tongue was wrecking him, pulling him apart piece by piece and sending him into a tailspin.

Louis whimpered, immediately missing the contact as Harry’s mouth left his body. There was a brief shuffle from behind him, and he wasn’t quite sure what was going on until he saw Harry reach around him and pull open the bedside drawer. Louis barely even had a chance to take a breath before Harry had a condom on his own cock and was opening Louis up, three fingers deep. Harry was taking no mercy on Louis, was pounding into him with his fingers, hitting his prostate every time, and muffling his moans with his palm all at once.

“Harry, Harry, stop or I’m gonna...” Louis couldn’t even finish his sentence, didn’t even have a single hope in the world before Harry was inching his cock into him, his fingers digging into Louis’ hips as he bottomed out.

“You always have such a fucking big mouth,” Harry grunted as he thrusted into Louis, one of his hands moving to tangle in Louis’ hair. “Always know just what to say. Fucking love to push my buttons.”

“S’easy, innit?” Louis argued back as he pushed back on Harry’s cock, arching his back as it hit the perfect angle, eliciting a string of whispered cursers from his lips.

“You’re. such. a. fucking. asshole,” Harry growled into Louis’ ear as his hand wrapped around Louis’ cock, only pumping three times before Louis was spilling all over his fist. “Fuck, I love you so much,” Harry continued as he thrusted once more and fell over the edge.

They fell back on the bed, Louis’ arms wrapping around Harry’s waist as they breathed heavily into the darkness. It never mattered – the fights never mattered – because they were perfect. Everything they had was perfect. There were always going to be bumps in the road, Louis knew that, but what he had with Harry was worth every single little hiccup. No matter what stupid, sassy thing came out of Louis’ mouth, no matter how much Harry managed to piss him off, they’d always make it through. They were _it_. They were what great writers wrote love stories about. Harry and Louis were everything.

Harry stirred beside him, moving so he was sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching for his clothes. “I love you, you know?” Harry whispered. “I just wish you didn’t take every single thing I do and say so personally.”

“What’re you doing?” Louis asked as he ran his fingers down Harry’s spine, relishing in the way Harry’s skin seemed to burn underneath the pads of his fingertips. They always managed to light each other up.

“I seem to remember you telling me I can’t sleep in your bed tonight,” Harry answered as he slipped his jumper over his head before standing up and tugging his pants up his legs.

Louis scoffed, sitting up fully and watching Harry get dressed. “I was just being an arse, Haz,” Louis explained. “I wouldn’t want you to sleep anywhere else.”

Harry laughed, his sarcasm almost putting Louis’ to shame. “You don’t get to do that, Lou. You don’t get to pick and choose when we’re fighting and when we’re not. You don’t get to be an ass one second and then ask me to stay the next.”

“Haz, I’m sorry,” Louis pleaded as he kneeled up on the bed, his fingers reaching out and holding onto Harry’s jumper desperately.

Harry pried Louis’ fingers away from him, moved towards the door and turned back just as he was about to turn the doorknob. “I’ll see you tomorrow night, okay? I’ll come by after I get back from Brighton.”

“Right,” Louis muttered, completely unable to refrain from rolling his eyes. “Have fun.”

Harry sighed, taking two large steps so that he was right in front of Louis, who was still kneeling on the bed. Harry took Louis’ face between his hands, pulling him towards him so he could place a quick kiss to his forehead. “I love you, Lou. Always.”

“Forever,” Louis whispered back, squashing down any ounce of annoyance and irrational anger that was running through his veins. “I love you, forever.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so there's only two more chapters left of this story. And I need to forewarn everyone that it's not going to be a happy ending...BUT...that's because this is only part 1 of a series that I have planned out. So, please please please stay with me. The next part is going to be much longer, and a a nice slow burn. So please, stick with me, because I'm really excited for the next part!


	4. If You're Gone

_I think I've already lost you_  
I think you're already gone  
I think I'm finally scared now  
You think I'm weak, I think you're wrong

(If You’re Gone – Matchbox Twenty)

Harry should be excited – he should be dying from the mere thought that in only half an hour he’d be back in Holmes Chapel for an entire two weeks. But for whatever reason, the closer he got to home the more anxious he became. Everything had become such a mess since he’d started uni – his relationship with Louis had become such a mess, and he wasn’t even entirely sure where everything had gone _so_ wrong. Harry felt as though he was constantly tip toeing around broken glass when it came to Louis, as if anything he said or did had the power to set Louis off for no apparent reason. And Harry knew ( _god did he know_ ) that being apart was fucking hard, but he wasn’t sure how much more fighting he could possibly take.

He gripped his steering wheel hard, knuckles turning white from the strain, as he thought about the last time he’d seen Louis. He hadn’t seen him since his reading week back in October, and just thinking about the ridiculous fight they’d gotten in made Harry’s blood boil. Maybe he’d been insensitive – maybe he’d been the bad guy after all – _maybe_ he should have invited Louis on the day trip to Brighton. But Harry had been stretched so thin, trying to squeeze in time for everyone in such a little amount of time, and he hadn’t thought that a few hours apart would matter so much to Louis. But he’d been wrong, and Louis had been pissed. Even after Harry had gotten back from Brighton and had crawled into Louis’ bed, Louis had been snarky, he’d been _off_. The rest of the week had been a vicious cycle of everything being fine one second and Harry and Louis snapping at each other the next.

Harry _needed_ the next two weeks with Louis. He needed to start the new year knowing that they were back on track, that their relationship was just as strong as before. He could handle a lot of things, but he couldn’t handle _this_ ; he couldn’t handle the way his and Louis’ love was barely holding on by a single thread.

*

“Where are you and Louis going tonight?” Anne asked over a cup of tea, watching her son from across the table. Harry had been in Holmes Chapel for an hour and hadn’t even so much as texted Louis yet. He needed a chance to breathe. He needed a chance to work through his fears before actually facing them.

“I booked a room at that hotel we stayed at on prom night,” Harry had a whole night planned – a night of reconnecting and rediscovering who they were as a couple. After everything, all the arguments and Louis’ flashes of insecurity, Harry just wanted to do something for Louis (for them). Louis had no idea about the plans, just as he hadn’t on prom night, and Harry thought that maybe – _just maybe_ – a grand gesture was all they needed.

“Oh love, he’s going to love it so much.” Harry shrugged his shoulders, taking a long drink from his tea in order to avoid continuing the conversation. But he couldn’t hide, not from his mum. “What is it, Harry? What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing, mum,” Harry sighed. “I just, I don’t know, things with Louis have been...they’ve been,” Harry was stumbling; he couldn’t even think of the right words to use to describe just what was happening between him and Louis.

“Oh sweetheart, long distance is hard,” Anne reached across the table to cover Harry’s hand with her own.

“Sometimes I think we aren’t going to make it, mum.”

It was the first time he’d admitted it out loud, the very first time he’d let the words slip from his lips. He’d spent the last couple of weeks thinking that if he just kept everything inside, if he just kept denying what was going on around him that everything would be okay. But now it was out there – now the words (his fears) were out in the open, suspended in limbo, waiting to come true. Harry was a lot of things, but he wasn’t brave, he wasn’t ready for his fears to become a reality.

“Oh, Harry, don’t be silly. If anyone can make it, it’s the two of you.”

Harry could only stare into his cup of tea and shake his head. She didn’t get it, no one did. Harry wasn’t even sure if _he_ got it sometimes. Because if anyone was supposed to make it, it _was_ him and Louis, but it didn’t feel that way – not anymore. They were barely hanging on, but Harry refused to go down without a fight.

“Hopefully tonight fixes things,” Harry mumbled. “It has to.”

“Don’t put too much pressure on one night, love,” Harry could always count on his mum to be rational, to be full of reason. Sometimes it made him feel lighter – sometimes it just pissed him off.

Harry didn’t say anything more. He got up from the table, placing his cup in the sink before kissing the top of his mum’s head, grabbing his duffle bag and making his way out the door. It was time; it was time to take the plunge and go see Louis. He couldn’t stall any longer, no matter how much he wanted to.

*

Harry took his time getting to Louis’, taking the longest way possible as he processed all of his thoughts and emotions. He tried to push all of his mum’s words to the back of his head. He wasn’t putting too much pressure on tonight, he _wasn’t._ His entire relationship with Louis _did not_ depend on how this night went, but it sure felt that way. Harry felt as though his _entire life_ depended on how tonight went.

Harry took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. Not that long ago this house had been his second home, but right now he felt like a stranger. It felt like he’d never stood on the porch before, like he’d never even seen the red front door before.

“Harry!” Daisy screamed out his name as she pulled the door open, her loud call out causing the other three girls and Jo also running to the door.

“Well hello ladies,” Harry forgot about all of his worries as he grouped the four girls into a bear hug, looking up to smile back at Jo. “How are my favourite princesses?”

He laughed as they all sang out a chorus of “good”, “great” and “we miss you”. He’d missed this – he’d really _really_ missed this.

“Will you come play dolls with us?” Phoebe asked as she grabbed his hand and dragged him further into the house.

“Girls,” Jo laughed as she watched her daughters climb all over Harry. “Harry’s here to surprise your brother. Why don’t you all go get Louis and bring him down here, but keep Harry a secret.”

The second all of them were out of the room Jo turned to Harry, her expression suddenly serious. “Harry, I need to say something before they all come down here, before Louis comes down here.”

Jo had never had the “protective mom talk” with Harry, he’d assumed she’d never really felt the need to before, but now she was giving him a look he’d never seen before. It was almost a warning, a cautionary gaze. “I don’t know what’s going on with you two, Louis won’t talk about it, but I just,” she took a deep breath, moving towards him to pull him into a hug. “I love you, I really do, but please don’t hurt him. Please don’t hurt my Louis.”

Harry pulled back, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Jo, I’m not...I wouldn’t...”

“He hasn’t been the same since you left,” she continued, and Harry felt his heart stop, almost as if someone was squeezing it and their nails were piercing the vulnerable wall. “He’s been moody and sad, and I hate seeing him like this. I miss my fun, silly son.”

Harry didn’t get the chance to respond, didn’t even get the real chance to process what Jo was really saying, because Louis was being escorted down the stairs by his sisters. All Harry wanted to do was ask Jo what she meant, what she meant when she’d said Louis wasn’t the same, but he couldn’t because Louis had spotted him, and he was bounding towards him with a giant smile on his face.

“Hazza? I thought you were going to call when you got in town?” Louis asked as he pulled Harry into an embrace, his hands gripping onto the coat Harry hadn’t bothered to take off.

“I wanted to surprise you,” Harry responded, hoping his smile was as wide and bright as Louis’, but Jo’s words were still clouding every part of his mind. “Surprise!”

Louis laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkling in the way that Harry loved so much. “God, I love you. He’s the best,” Louis said, turning to his family. “Hazza’s the best, isn’t he?”

Lottie and Felicite had grown bored of Harry’s arrival, but Phoebe and Daisy were still standing there and watching them, nodding fervently at Louis’ question. “Is Harry going to play dolls with us now?” Daisy asked, tugging at Louis’ hand.

Louis turned to Harry, arching his eyebrow in question, but Harry shook his head slowly. “I’ll come play dolls with you tomorrow, how about that? I have special plans with Louis tonight.”

“You do?” Louis asked, his face masked with confusion and interest.

Harry nodded his head, lacing his fingers through Louis’. “We’ve got to head out soon, so let’s go upstairs and pack you an overnight bag.”  
Louis let Harry lead him back to the stairs, but he looked just as confused as ever. “I need an overnight bag?”

Harry closed Louis’ bedroom door behind them and moved towards the closet, pulling out the duffle bag he knew would be there. He looked at Louis expectantly, waiting for him to start pulling his dresser drawers open, pull out clothes and pack his bag. When it became apparent that Louis wasn’t going to make a move anytime soon, Harry moved to the dresser himself. “Anything specific you’d like me to pack?”

“I dunno,” Louis responded, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed but his smile wider than ever. “I have no idea where we’re going, now do I?”

“Hmm, true, I’ll just pick what I think is best.”

Louis laughed as he pushed himself against the wall and moved to stand behind Harry until his chest was flush against Harry’s back and his arms were around Harry’s waist. “Where are you taking me, Haz?” he whispered into his ear.

Harry’s mind was still racing with Jo’s words, but he pushed them aside as much as possible. Louis seemed _normal_. Right now he was acting just like the boy Harry had fallen in love with almost three years ago. He didn’t seem sad, angry, or even jealous. Maybe Harry had been overreacting for the past few weeks, maybe they were fine – maybe they were _perfect_. Maybe there was nothing he needed to fix after all.

“It’s a surprise, Lou.”

Louis groaned in protest, but he didn’t remove himself from Harry’s back. “Do I need swim shorts? Do I need my ski mask? Do I need...”  
“For the love of god, Lou,” Harry laughed as he turned around and wrapped his arms around Louis’ neck, looking down at his boy with a smile. “There is such a thing as patience. You think you can exercise that virtue for a minute?”

Louis sighed heavily, feigning annoyance but stepping on his tip toes to kiss the corner of Harry’s mouth nevertheless. “I’m just glad you’re here,” Louis spoke against Harry’s mouth. “We could go to fucking Dover for all I care. I’m just so fucking happy you’re here right now.”

Harry sighed into the kiss, his lips automatically opening just a little bit to fit against Louis’ mouth. No matter how many times they’d argued, no matter how much they’d struggled in the past few months, he missed this every single minute they were apart. Louis swiped his tongue across Harry’s bottom lip and Harry immediately granted access, immediately allowed Louis to deepen the kiss. He wound his fingers into the hair at the base of Louis’ neck, pulling Louis closer, which didn’t even really seem like a remote possibility with how close they already were. He started to back Louis up towards the bed, his brain on a one-way track towards a sweet, _sweet_ reunion. They needed this – _god did they need this_.

_He hasn’t been the same since you left..._

Jo’s voice flooded into his mind, his eardrums, his entire being, and Harry pulled away with a gasp.

“What? What is it?” Louis asked, his lips pink and plump from the way Harry had just been ravaging them. “What’s wrong?”

Harry shook his head, smiling in spite of the thoughts running rampant in his head. “We’ve got so much time for this later, baby. I’d rather wait until your mum and sisters aren’t right downstairs.”

Louis rolled his eyes before moving to kiss Harry’s mouth one last time. “Fine, you win.”

“Just wait, Loubear,” Harry cooed, returning Louis’ kiss quickly. “Just wait for what I have planned. I promise you won’t be disappointed.”

“I’m never disappointed when it comes to you, babe,” and Harry knew it was a lie, he _knew_ he’d disappointed Louis more times than he could even count over the past couple of months, but he accepted it anyways. There was no point in arguing or even debating the topic, not when he was about to whisk Louis away and woo him – not when he was about to fight for everything they had, everything that was so _fucking_ worth fighting for.

*

“Harry, where the hell are you taking me?” Louis asked from the passenger seat of the Audi. He hadn’t taken his eyes off the passenger window the entire time, refusing to miss a single clue as to where they were going.

“How many times do I have to tell you to just be patient?” Harry laughed from behind the wheel. “We’re almost there. I promise it’ll be worth it.”

A couple of minutes passed, Louis eagerly looking out his window as Harry’s free hand drew circles on Louis’ thigh. Harry was bouncing with excitement, and the closer they got to the hotel the more anxious he became. What if Louis didn’t actually like the surprise? What if everything Harry had done couldn’t be saved by a romantic night in a fancy hotel?

“Wait,” Louis whispered in awe as Harry turned into the hotel carpark. He finally turned his head to look at Harry, his blue eyes large with surprise and wonder. _Okay, good surprise_ , Harry could let out a sigh of relief. “Wait, Haz, are you...really?”

Harry only smiled in response as he climbed out of the car, taking his and Louis’ bags with him. He took Louis’ hand, leading him towards the grand entrance of the building.

“You didn’t have to do this,” Louis’ voice was still a mere whisper, his eyes still wide in surprise.

“I know I didn’t _have_ to,” Harry replied with a smile, squeezing Louis’ hand. “I _wanted_ to. You deserve a nice night. _We_ deserve a nice night.”

They deserved so much more than just a nice night. They deserved a life where they were actually _together_ – a life where their relationship didn’t only consist of video chats, text messages and visits that were way too short. They deserved to wake up beside each other every morning and fall asleep in each other’s arms each night. They _deserved_ to be happy.

Harry only let go of Louis’ hand when they reached the customer service counter. “We’re just checking in,” Harry said to the girl behind the desk. “Reservation should be under Styles.”  
“Oh yes,” the girl responded with a smile and a few clicks of her computer mouse. “Your room is all set up, let me just get your key cards ready.”

Harry felt Louis press against his side, his head falling against Harry’s shoulder. “You really didn’t have to do this, Haz. This place is bloody expensive.”

“Will you shut up already?” Harry rolled his eyes but smiled down at his boy, moving just slightly so he could kiss the top of Louis’ head. “Besides, father of the year sent me a bunch of money for no reason. Help me spend it, yeah?”

Louis seemed to relax at that. He knew full well that Harry’s father used his obscene amount of money in an attempt to make up for being a dead-beat dad – to make up for abandoning Anne, Gemma, and Harry for a bright and shiny new life. He didn’t seem to understand the fact that Harry couldn’t give a flying fuck about the money – he didn’t even give a shit about the Audi – no amount of cash or fancy presents would buy his love. But, his father’s guilt did come in handy when Harry wanted to spoil Louis – so, his father’s infinite amount of money was _quite_ convenient at the moment.

The second Harry had the key cards in his hand, he grabbed at Louis and lead him towards the elevators. He was anxious, downright fucking _nervous_ even. He’d never organized something quite like this before – he’d never really put so much effort into something before. What if Louis hated it? What if it all just blew up in his face?

They were silent for the journey up the eleventh floor; the only sound that interrupted their silence was the dinging of the elevator doors opening before them. Harry took a deep breath before stepping out of the safety of the small lift. It was now or never. The second he stepped into the hallway, the second they came to stand in front of their room door, this would no longer be a fantasy – it would all be real. He’d open up the door to their room and unveil everything he’d planned for the night. It was do or die.

“Hazza, what’s going on?” Louis asked as he stepped out of the lift beside Harry. “You seem kind of nervous.”

Harry shook his head, offering a small smile as he led them towards the room he’d reserved. “S’nothing. I just, I think maybe I overdid this? And I don’t want you to think this is stupid or...god, this is so fucking stupid. You’re going to think I’m the biggest loser on the...”

Harry still had a lot of rambling to do; he still had a lot of insecure ranting that needed to be expelled from his brain, but he didn’t get the chance to finish his string of thoughts because Louis was suddenly all over him. Their duffle bags fell from where he had them slung over his shoulder, hitting the floor with a _thud_ as Louis pushed him against the wall and blanketed Harry as best as he could with his smaller frame.

“You’re fucking daft if you think I’d think you’re a loser for planning a romantic night,” Louis growled into Harry’s ear, standing slightly on his tip toes so he could take Harry’s earlobe between his teeth. Harry tilted his head, watching as Louis picked the bags back up and sauntered down the hallway. “Are you coming or what?” Louis said as he turned to look back at Harry, winking before turning back to the destination at hand.

It took Harry a couple of moments to float back down and break free from the way Louis had pinned him against the wall and frozen all of his abilities to act like a normal human being. It surprised Harry that after all this time, that after more than two years, that Louis still had the ability to completely knock the wind out of him. Harry knew each and every one of Louis’ moves and yet they still managed to melt him into a useless, panting puddle.

Harry slowly opened the door to the hotel room, holding his breath a Louis entered the room and stopped dead in his tracks. The hotel staff had outdone themselves, but Harry couldn’t breathe just yet – not until Louis actually _reacted._ He let the door close behind them as he watched Louis drop the bags and slowly spin, trying to absorb every little detail. They both knew that Harry was the over the top one – the utterly hopeless romantic – but he’d never gone quite this far before.

“Harry,” Louis’ voice was a whisper, barely even audible as he moved towards the bed, fingering one of the many red rose petals that littered the white bedding.

Harry cringed at just how many petals were scattered around the room, afraid that maybe it _was_ over the top, afraid that Louis would take it all in and roll his eyes at just how cheesy it all was. But that didn’t seem to be the case, not when Louis picked up a handful of the flower petals and gently threw them up in the air, watching them slowly fall back down on the bed with a smile. He didn’t seem to find it lame at all as he moved towards Harry, his smile still growing, reaching out so that his hands were placed on both of Harry’s hips.

“I love you, like a ridiculous amount,” Louis’ voice was still a whisper, so quiet that Harry probably wouldn’t even have heard a word of it if Louis hadn’t been standing not even an inch in front of him.

“You don’t think it’s too much?” Harry mumbled the words, ducking his head into the crevice of Louis’ neck to hide the heat of embarrassment that was creeping across his face.

Louis clicked his tongue in response, taking either side of Harry’s face in his hands and pulling him forwards so they were staring into each other’s eyes. “Haz, it’s _perfect_. This is fucking amazing. Thank you so much.”

Harry let out a long breath, finally able to relax. He kissed Louis softly, letting himself get lost in the feel of Louis’ lips against his own before pulling away slowly. “Want some champagne?”

*

Everything was perfect. They’d spent a few hours drinking champagne and giggling together, and Harry’s heart was ten sizes too big, ready to explode in his chest. They’d spent hours taking each other apart piece by piece, completely destroying the petal scattered bed and filling the hotel room with breathy moans. Harry never wanted to fall asleep, didn’t want to sleep the rest of the night away and wake up to tomorrow when their perfect little bubble would burst, and they’d have to go back to their everyday lives. He wanted to lie on the hotel bed and hold Louis for the rest of the night. He never wanted to let go.

“The bathtub is huge,” Louis commented randomly as he perched himself on an elbow, smiling down at Harry.

Harry quirked an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“And I spotted some bubble bath under the sink.”

Harry laughed at Louis’ not so subtle hints. “Would you like me to draw you a bubble bath, Lou?”

Louis shook his head, his grin growing even wider. “I’d like you to draw _us_ a bubble bath.”

Louis didn’t need to ask twice. Harry was up and moving towards the bathroom in a nanosecond, Louis giggling and running right behind him. Harry started the water, running a generous amount of bubble bath under the stream before turning to Louis. “Don’t think you need these anymore,” he stated as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of Louis’ boxer briefs and pulled them slowly over his bum and down his delicious thighs. He’d never get tired of this – he’d never get tired of undressing Louis or having Louis naked before him. Louis was his fucking _sustenance_ , all Harry needed to survive. It was possessive and obsessive, but it was the truth. Louis William Tomlinson was a fucking food group as far as Harry was concerned.

Harry sank down into the bubbles first, his back against the porcelain of the claw foot bathtub and his legs spread to make enough room for Louis, who lowered himself down into the water and pressed his back flush against Harry’s waiting body. Harry instinctively wrapped his arms around Louis’ body, pulling him even closer against him, his cock nestled tightly between his own chest and Louis’ back. It felt incredible. Louis always felt incredible.

“Thank you,” Louis’ voice broke the silence as he leaned his head back so that it fell on Harry’s shoulder.

“For what?” Harry asked, smiling as he looked down at his boy. Louis’ eyes were closed and there was the most content and relaxed smile on his face. _So perfect._

“For tonight,” Louis started. “For being so amazing and understanding with me the past couple of months. I know I’ve been kind of crazy and I’m sorry, it’s just...”

“Shh,” Harry interrupted him. “We don’t need to talk about all that tonight.” He knew it was stupid, he knew he couldn’t very well just keep tonight in this neat little secret box where nothing bad penetrated the perfection they’d managed to find. He knew he couldn’t act as if the past few months hadn’t been complete shit at times, but he’d _try_ – he’d try to keep tonight all about them, all about their love. Harry was determined to just have one night where everything wasn’t falling apart around them.

Louis seemed to pick up on Harry’s desperate need to keep things light, to keep things _perfect,_ because he dropped it. Instead of pushing the subject he pushed into Harry (well, really, he pushed into Harry’s dick), sending a million shivers jolting down Harry’s spine. It didn’t matter that Harry had just come an hour ago, he was already half hard for Louis – always half hard for Louis.  And Louis knew it too, he knew full well the affect he had on Harry and he always seemed to use it to his advantage – to use it to get what he wanted. Which wasn’t a bad thing, not really, not when all Louis ever really wanted was Harry. Harry was always on board. He’d always give in.

“How have we never fucked in a bathtub before?” Louis asked before pressing harder into Harry’s chest, Harry’s cock filling completely. Between the heat of the water, the lavender scent that was wafting up from the bubbles, and the way Louis’ back was pressing _just so_ into him had Harry so fucking hard already.

“Neither of our bathtubs are big enough for both of us,” Harry was almost shocked by his own voice, how much deeper it was than normal. He sounded _gone._ Apparently bath time with Louis was all he’d ever needed in this life. Apparently bath time with Louis was Harry’s biggest fantasy. Who knew?

Louis tilted his head in the perfect angle so that his lips could connect with Harry’s neck. He sucked a promising mark into his skin before pulling away. “ _Touch me_ ,” he half growled half whispered.

And well fuck. _Fuck fuck fuck._ Harry didn’t need to be told twice. He moved his hand under the water, grabbing at Louis’ dick and _oh my god_. He was so hard, so incredibly _full_ in Harry’s fist. “Lou,” Harry growled into Louis’ ear, his fist gaining momentum as Louis lifted up slightly so he could grind against Harry’s cock.

The vulnerable lavender bubbles didn’t stand a fighting chance.

*

Harry was spent, still in a post-come haze as he climbed under the feather light duvet and pulled Louis against him. He’d missed everything about Louis, but he’d missed the feeling of having a shirtless, sleepy Louis laying half on top of him, he’d missed sharing a bed with Louis the most. Harry had always been a rather deep sleeper, but uni had changed that – sleeping alone had changed that. It took Harry forever to fall asleep in his tiny dorm bed. Every night he would lay awake and think of nothing but Louis, no matter how many sheep he counted or how many times he recited the alphabet backwards. Louis was always on his brain, and his brain wouldn’t stop running in circles. _I miss Louis. I’d be asleep if Louis was beside me. I miss Louis._ Most nights, Harry wouldn’t even fall asleep until nearly two o’clock in the morning, and then he'd be running to his morning lecture with dark circles under his eyes and his jumper inside out. It was pointless. Sleeping without Louis by his side was pointless. Waking up without Louis by his side was downright depressing.

“Don’t go back.”

Harry’s thoughts stopped instantly, his fingers that had just been making soft circles against Louis’ lower back freezing mid-movement. He didn’t even dare turn to look at Louis, didn’t even need to turn his head to know that Louis was staring at him with sad, wide eyes.

Harry was still trying to comprehend the words that had just popped the “perfect night” bubble he’d worked so hard to create when Louis’ voice was filling the space once again. “Hazza, don’t go back. Please. Stay. Just stay.”

Harry screwed his eyes shut at Louis’ plea. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t have this conversation, not when everything had been going so great – not when they’d been having the best night they’d had in _months_. They deserved so much more than this.

“Haz, please.”

Harry finally opened his eyes, finally took a deep breath and turned his head to take in Louis’ pleading eyes. It was too much. It was all too much. “Lou, I can’t...you know that...I have to go back.”

Louis’ blinked, tears escaping from the corners. And Harry hated himself, he hated the fact that Louis was crying because of him. “Why?” Louis finally asked. “Why can’t you stay? Why can’t you just be with me? Why am I not enough for you?”

“Lou,” Harry’s voice was firmer now, a bit of a warning against Louis’ own words. How could Louis even ask him these questions? How was it even remotely fair of him to put all of this on Harry?

Louis shuffled away from Harry’s arms until he was sitting up in the bed, looking down at Harry with the same sad, tear-filled eyes. “Why won’t you stay?”

“Jesus Lou,” Harry huffed as he sat up against the headboard, tugging at his curls in frustration. “Why are you doing this now?”

Louis’ eyebrows arched in confusion. “Now? Because I fucking miss you, Harry. I’m doing this _now_ because I think I might actually fall apart when you go back to London in two weeks. I’m doing this _now_ because I can’t live without you.”

“Why didn’t you ask me to stay before I packed up my life and moved to London?” Harry argued back. “Why didn’t you ask me to stay before I even left in the first place?”

“What?” Louis asked, visibly taken aback by Harry’s questions, which only angered Harry even more.

“I would have stayed dammit!” Harry was almost yelling, tugging at his curls even harder in an attempt to keep his raging emotions at bay.

Louis’ jaw dropped, his mouth hanging open as he chased after Harry’s confession. Harry hated it, hated the way Louis seemed to be so fucking blind sometimes. “What are you talking about?” Louis finally found his voice, finally found a response to Harry’s words.

“I would have stayed, Louis,” Harry said slowly, over enunciating each and every word for effect. “I would have done distance courses. I would have forgotten about London. I would have fucking stayed for you. But you never even bothered to ask.”

Louis’ eyes were wild with shock, his jaw still hanging open in a way that made Harry’s blood boil for no rational reason. Louis didn’t get to be shocked. He didn’t get to be surprised that Harry loved him enough to change all of his plans.

“Why didn’t you ask me to stay?” Harry asked again, his voice low and clipped. Every single happy moment from the past six hours were already forgotten. Harry was full of frustration and rage. The bubble had officially been popped.

“I couldn’t,” Louis finally said, his voice quiet and unsure.

“You could have,” Harry bit back.

“Don’t you think I wanted to?” Louis was finally losing it, finally reaching Harry’s level of anger and frustration, his voice finally losing its weakness. _Good, fight back_ , Harry thought. “Don’t you think I fucking wanted you to stay? I thought about asking you every fucking day, but it wouldn’t have been fair! I _knew_ you would stay if I asked.”

Harry’s eyes flashed with anger, his green irises darkening with Louis’ words. “And that would have been tragic right? If I had stayed you wouldn’t be able to go around moping about how you didn’t get to live our dream? If I’d stayed you wouldn’t have been able to play the fucking martyr anymore. You needed me to go so that you could be your family’s hero, so they could feel bad every single day that you stayed behind for them.”

Louis was silent. His eyes mere slits as he took in the words that had come out of Harry’s mouth. And okay, maybe Harry had gone too far – maybe Harry shouldn’t have said _anything_ – but he couldn’t help himself. He was so angry, so livid that Louis would even think he had the right to ask Harry not to go back to London. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair for Louis to think that Harry could just give up everything for him, especially since he _would have._

Louis was still silent, still staring Harry down with a deadly glare. Harry sighed, turning away from Louis and reaching for the lamp, casting the room in darkness. Maybe Louis wasn’t responding because he knew Harry was right. It wasn’t like Louis to back down from a fight. It was always Harry giving in first, it was always Harry who would apologize and put an end to the angry words shared between them. But he wouldn’t do that this time. He couldn’t do that this time.

“I’m sorry,” Louis’ voice broke through the darkness. It was filled with sadness and regret, and Harry wanted nothing more than to cross over the invisible line of separation they’d created for themselves in the bed. He wanted to reach across No Man’s Land and grab Louis’ hand, intertwine their fingers and promise Louis that everything would be okay. He _wanted_ to, but he couldn’t. He needed Louis to be the one to give in. He needed Louis to fight for them just as hard as he’d been fighting. He needed to know that there was still a point in fighting.

“Harry,” Louis continued, voice careful. “I’m sorry. I, I wanted to. You know? I wanted to ask you to stay so bad, but I didn’t want to be even more selfish than I’d already been with the whole thing. I didn’t want to ruin this for you too.”

Harry let out the breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding in, finally allowing his lungs to fill again. “That’s not how relationships work. You can’t just expect me to know what you want, Louis. I can’t read your mind, you have to actually ask for what you want.”

“I didn’t want to hold you back, Haz. I didn’t want my decision to stay to hold you back too. I could never do that to you.”

“I know,” Harry breathed out after a few seconds of silence passed between them. He knew that Louis hadn’t asked him to stay for his own sake, but it didn’t make any of this any easier – it didn’t make him feel any better. And maybe he should be thanking Louis for never asking until now, maybe he should be kissing Louis’ feet for not being selfish enough to ask Harry the question that he _knew_ Harry would have said yes to. No matter how much he missed Louis every single god damn second, he didn’t regret moving to London at all. He’d needed to get away from Holmes Chapel, he’d needed to move away and find himself. And he was still trying to do that; he was still trying to discover who he really was, but he would never have been able to do that in Holmes Chapel. He would have suffocated if he’d stayed back, maybe Louis would have suffocated him.

 _Well fuck,_ was this the beginning of it all then? Harry wouldn’t let this be it. He wouldn’t let this realization be the beginning of the end. Louis _wasn’t_ suffocating him. If anything, he was dragging Louis through hell. He _needed_ to talk to Jo. He needed to ask her what she’d meant when she’d told him that Louis hadn’t been the same since Harry had left. He needed to know just what his absence was doing to Louis. He _needed_ to know if he was turning Louis into something he wasn’t – he _needed_ to know if he was ruining Louis in the worst way possible.

They didn’t say anything more. There was nothing left to say, nothing left to argue about. Harry lay awake, staring into the darkness of the room until Louis’ breathing evened out. This all felt so foreign, even after the hundreds of times he’d had Louis fall asleep beside him in the past. Nothing felt the same, nothing felt like it used to. As Louis shuffled in his sleep, rolling until he was pressed against Harry with his arm snaking out across Harry’s waist, Harry finally gave in – he finally allowed the tears to silently fall from his eyes. His chest was aching, his heart ready to break in the worst way possible. He’d never felt so afraid. He was grieving something, _someone_ , who wasn’t even gone. Louis was right beside him, all over him, infiltrating all of his senses, but he missed him all the same.

Harry was _scared_. They were barely hanging on, and Harry was fairly certain that the argument they’d just had might have been the final nail in their coffin. How were they going to survive?

~

They didn’t talk about that night as the days passed, and maybe that’s what bothered Harry the most. They were so good, _too good_ , at brushing their arguments under the rug – at pretending like everything was perfect when it wasn’t. _Not even close._ They were way too good at acting, and Harry was tired of it all – nothing was ever going to get better if they didn’t even acknowledge that something was wrong in the first place.

Christmas Eve, or what Harry liked to only refer to as Louis’ birthday, arrived quickly and before Harry even had a chance to recuperate from the hotel room incident, he was sitting in Louis’ living room, surrounded by all of Louis’ family. It was easy to act like everything was fine when he had Louis sitting on his lap, a big smile on his face while he opened his birthday presents. It was easy to act like everything was fucking perfect when Louis’ little sisters were playing with his hair and applying their toy makeup to his face. But it wasn’t easy to pretend like everything was perfect when Jo was watching them carefully from the other side of the room, as if she was waiting for something to break.

Something was off, something was going on and it seemed like the only way to figure it all out was to talk to Jo. Harry wasn’t even 100% if he really wanted to know the truth. It seemed like the more he analyzed the wreckage that was his and Louis’ relationship, the more likely they were to crash and burn. Maybe it was best to leave it all alone. Maybe it couldn’t be broken if he failed to notice it in the first place.

“Do you want to help me with the cake?” Jo put a hand on Harry’s shoulder as she made her way to the kitchen.

It had been their tradition for the past few years. Jo and Harry would pick out a worthy cake and would fill it with the appropriate number of candles, carrying it out together while everyone sang happy birthday to Louis. Louis was Harry’s just as much as he was Jo’s, it only made sense that they’d share in the joy of holding out the cake to Louis, watching him close his eyes, make a wish, and blow out his candles. December 24thhad been Harry’s favourite day of the year since he’d met Louis, and even with all of the turmoil that had been following them lately it was still his favourite day. Louis was still his favourite person. He wouldn’t go down without a fight.

He followed Jo into the kitchen, propping himself against the counter as she took the cake from the refrigerator and pulled it out of the box. It was the perfect cake for Louis – decorated as a football pitch with a little Louis figurine placed in the middle. Harry started meticulously placing eighteen candles into the green icing, it was now or never. He needed to talk to Jo.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked quietly, a candle in his hand and hovering over the cake as he turned to Jo.

“Of course, love.”

He put the candle down, he needed as much time as possible. Louis and the girls could wait a few more minutes. “What did you mean the other night? When I came to pick up Louis, you said he hasn’t been the same since I left?”

Jo’s smile fell as the question hung between them. “He’s just been,” she paused as she thought of the right words to use. “He’s been a bit on edge, more than usual. He hasn’t really been the same with the girls.”

Harry’s heart pounded in his chest, threatening to break in a million pieces. Maybe he didn’t want to know any of this. “How so?”

Jo shrugged. “He gets annoyed with them so easily, snapping at them for the smallest things. This house, he filled with laughter, you know? Always making us laugh, but he’s not like that anymore. He’s always holed up in his room or off at work, and when he’s watching the girls he just, it’s like he resents them...resents us. Like it’s our fault he isn’t in London with you.”

“It is your fault,” Louis’ voice cut through the air, hitting Harry like a brick. He hadn’t even heard Louis enter the kitchen, but there he was, leaning against the doorway, his hands pushed into the pockets of his joggers.

Harry looked between Jo and Louis, his heart falling when he took in the hurt that spread across Jo’s face. He’d never wanted this. He’d never wanted to come between Louis and his mum like this, he’d never wanted to be the reason for Louis pulling away from his family.

“We’re just about to bring out the cake,” Jo said quietly, ignoring the glare her son was giving her from the doorway.

“Don’t bother,” Louis snapped. “I’m going to work. Tiff just texted. She needs help with a shoot.”

“Louis,” Harry started, but Louis just shook his head and turned around, leaving Harry and Jo standing alone in the kitchen.

Jo didn’t even bother calling after him, she was hunched over the counter, her shoulders shaking as she cried silently onto the cake. Harry hated himself. He should never have started the conversation, especially today of all days. He should have left it alone, should have kept on pretending like everything was fine. Why was he so intent on watching the world burn around him?

The sound of the front door slamming shut and Lottie calling after Louis shook Harry from his thoughts. He was suddenly seething, seeing red with rage. How dare Louis do this to his family? How dare he just storm out on his birthday, on Christmas fucking Eve, and leave his mum to explain his absence to his sisters? When had Louis become such an angry, selfish prick?

Probably the same time Harry had...

“Lots, can you go be with your mum?” Harry asked Lottie as he pulled on his shoes and coat, his hand already on the doorknob. He’d chase Louis down and pummel him for how he’d just treated his family. He’d let Louis get away with being a complete dickhead to him, but he couldn’t get away with this. Jo and the girls loved Louis more than anything. He couldn’t get away with treating them like this just because his and Harry’s relationship was sinking like the Titanic.

Louis hadn’t gotten far, was wondering down the street a few houses down when Harry finally made it out the door. It didn’t take him long to catch up, pulling Louis to a stop with a tug at his wrist.

“What the fuck do you want Harry?” Louis bit as he turned around, blue eyes icy with anger.

“What the fuck do I want?” Harry snapped back. “You can’t pull shit like that Louis. You can’t treat them like that because you’re angry with me.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “Stay out of it, Harry. This has nothing to do with you, okay? Not everything is about you.”

Harry recoiled. He’d seen Louis angry plenty of times, but he’d never seen Louis so _mean_ before. “What is wrong with you?”

“I’m fucking tired of it!” Louis yelled, his voice bouncing off the houses that lined the tiny street. “I’m tired of existing for them! I can’t even be sad about my relationship falling apart without them giving me a hard time about it, without them making me feel bad about not being a ball of fucking sunshine at all times!”

Harry ran his hands through his hair, his fingers already frozen from the December air. This was it, and Harry wasn’t sure if he was relieved that Louis felt it too or if it cut him deeper. Knowing that Louis felt everything falling apart around them made it so much more real. “Lou,” his name left his lips in a quiet, jagged whisper, almost as quiet as the snow that was falling around them. This couldn’t happen, they couldn’t end in the middle of the street. They needed to fight harder, they needed to keep it together.

“I’m so sick of fighting with you, Harry,” Louis’ voice broke and he wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to stay warm. “I can’t...this isn’t how we’re supposed to be. We’re supposed to love each other better than this.”

Harry took a deep breath and moved closer to Louis, his hands instinctively reaching out for his waist and drawing him close. “I don’t want to fight anymore either, Lou. I love you too much to keep going like this.”

“I can’t lose you,” Louis choked out, the words like tidal waves. He was crying hard, his forehead moving to rest on Harry’s shoulder.

“You’re not,” Harry rushed out. “God, Lou, I’m not going anywhere, I promise. We’ll get through this. It’s just a rough patch. Don’t you want us to make it?”

Louis looked up at Harry just then, the anger long gone and replaced with tears. “More than anything, Haz. I only want you, forever.”

“Always,” Harry confirmed, lowering his head so he could brush their lips together. It was a mess – everything was a mess, but they’d figure it out.

~

Christmas morning had always been a quiet, lovely morning for Harry’s family. Since Harry and Gemma had moved passed the wake up at the crack of dawn phase, Anne would wake up first and stir her children awake to the smell of a proper fry up and coffee brewing. That’s just how Harry was waking up now, to the smell of bacon and his favourite strong coffee filling the house. It had been a long night the night before. Louis and Harry had stood out in the snow for what felt like hours, promising each other that they’d work through the shit they were going through and kissing as the snow fell around them. He’d talked Louis into going back home, and the second they were through the door Louis was pulling Jo aside and apologizing through a fresh set of tears. Everything had turned around after that. They’d had cake and opened one present each, which had been their tradition every Christmas Eve since Harry had met them. Louis ended up walking him back home and kissing him on the front porch until their lips were blue and their fingers were about to fall off (a bit of an exaggeration but Harry thought it sounded romantic). Harry had fallen asleep that night free from fears of losing Louis. It was the first night in a long time where his dreams hadn’t been invaded by last fights and breakups. And for once, Harry woke up well rested and happy.

And maybe just a tad naïve.

*

“You know, I ran into Mrs. Paddington last night at the store,” Gemma casually mentioned to Harry as they lounged on the couch, Harry’s feet at Gemma’s head and vice versa. Anne had just disappeared to the kitchen, anxiously prepping for the night’s dinner.

“Cool story, Gems,” Harry mumbled as he flipped the page of the book she’d bought for him for Christmas.

Gemma nudged him with her socked foot until he put the book down and paid attention to her. “She told me that you and Louis were screaming at each other outside of her house yesterday afternoon.”

Harry froze. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that one of Louis’ neighbours had heard them fighting. Holmes Chapel was small – everyone knew everyone’s business – and apparently Harry’s relationship wasn’t free from that scrutiny.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Harry shook his head. “Not really, no.”

“Well too bad,” Gemma pressed. “What happened? Just last week you were whisking him away on some romantic adventure.”  
Harry shrugged. “That was sort of my grand gesture, you know? Trying to salvage things before it was too late.”

Gemma sat up as she processed Harry’s words, her mouth suddenly set in a serious line. “Are things that bad?”

“I don’t know,” Harry answered truthfully. “One minute everything’s fine and the next minute it feels like the end is just around the corner. He lost his shit at his mum yesterday, blaming her for the fact that he didn’t move to London with me, and stormed out of the house right before cake. I had to chase after him.”

“Well fuck.”

Harry nodded his head in agreement. “He’s been so...I don’t know what the right word is, jealous? Like, when he came to London that weekend, he was an ass to my friend and basically accused him of having a thing for me. And then when I came home for reading week he got all pissy that I planned a trip to Brighton without him. I don’t get what’s going on with him.”

Gemma put a comforting hand on her brother’s shoulder. “Have you ever thought about how hard all of this is for him? You two made all these plans and then he realized that if left that he’d be leaving his mum alone to take care of the girls, which she’s never had to do by herself. If you ask me, I think he was scared for her and he probably feels like he’s sort of obligated to help her as best he can. And then you leave, just like you’re supposed to, and your life changes so much and he doesn’t feel like he’s a part of it anymore. He’s probably so scared that he’s going to lose you. And he’s probably a bit sad that he’s not a part of this new life of yours.”

Harry didn’t know what to say, all he could do was jut out his bottom lip and pout at Gemma’s words. Everything she said made sense, but it didn’t make it suck any less.

“I’m not saying any of this is your fault, Harry,” Gemma continued. “But I can understand why Louis’ having a hard time. It’s been you and him for the last three years and all of a sudden, he’s all alone, and you’re making new friends and experiencing new things.”

“Jo said something about how he’s not the same anymore, not since I left,” Jo’s words were still haunting Harry, probably would until the end of time. He hated the fact that him leaving had the power to change anything about Louis, to hurt Louis that badly. “And I’m afraid, Gems. I’m afraid that maybe this is all too hard for him and that it’s going to change him for good. He’s not _Louis_ anymore, you know? He’s not happy or witty or making everyone laugh anymore. He’s actually kind of mean now. And I can’t help but feel like I did this to him, or that like...our relationship did this to him.”

Gemma pulled Harry up so that he was nestled against her, her arms holding him tightly. “I know you love him, Harry. I know that you two love each other so much. But...” she trailed off, almost as if she thought better than to finish her sentence.

“But what?” Harry pushed, his heart was already hurting enough – he could take whatever she had to say.

She took a deep breath, pausing for a beat too long. “Maybe love isn’t enough anymore. Maybe this is hurting you two too much.”

~

For the past year, Louis and Harry had dreamed about New Year’s Eve – they’d planned on spending it in London. They’d made plans to be right in the thick of things – watching the ball drop while wrapped in each other’s arms. Those plans had vanished along with all the other plans they’d made together. So, instead of being downtown London surrounded by people celebrating the New Year, Harry was sat on Charlie’s sofa, attempting to make it through yet another house party. He wasn’t miserable, he _wasn’t_ , but he was mildly disappointed. How were he and Louis supposed to start the new year off right when nothing was even changing? They were spinning in circles and Harry couldn’t help but feel like maybe it was time to get off the ride.

He was trying – he _was._ He didn’t want to be miserable. He didn’t want to be the one person sulking on New Year’s Eve. But this wasn’t how he’d imagined it; this wasn’t how he and Louis were supposed to ring in the new year. _Nothing_ was going as planned.

“Made you the signature Louis Tomlinson cocktail,” Louis was suddenly beside him on the sofa, passing him a cup filled with a strange pink liquid.

Harry eyed the beverage suspiciously. It was probably 99% alcohol knowing Louis. “What’s in it?” he asked as he sniffed at the cup. And yup, it smelled like pure vodka – _definitely a drink made by Louis Tomlinson._

Louis laughed. “Little bit of this, little bit of that. _A lot_ of vodka.”

Harry only laughed in response, taking a deep breath before even daring to take a sip. “Are you trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me later?”

“Pretty sure you’re already drunk and I’m pretty sure I don’t need to get you drunk to get lucky,” Louis replied with a wink.

Harry rolled his eyes but smiled around his straw as he continued to drink Louis’ cocktail.

“So, am I getting lucky tonight?” Louis moved closer, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Harry rolled his eyes again, shrugging his shoulders as nonchalantly as possible. “Can’t say for certain.”

Louis gasped, putting a hand over his heart to add to his dramatics. “You lied to me! You promised me a New Year’s Eve filled with midnight kisses and amazing sex!”

Louis’ words were like a bucket of cold water being poured over Harry’s head. Louis was joking – Harry _knew_ that – but rationality didn’t always win, not when Harry was already so _fucking tired_ of all their plans changing. “And you promised me a life together in London, but you don’t see me calling you a liar.”

Louis froze, Harry’s words basically turning him to stone. He stared at Harry, his eyes wide with shock and his hand holding his own cup to his lips. Harry wanted to take his words back – _almost_. He didn’t want to fight – he was tired of fighting with Louis – but he couldn’t keep side stepping the topic. He couldn’t keep pretending like Louis’ decisions hadn’t had even the slightest impact on him. He _couldn’t_ keep acting like they were so fucking fine when nothing was fine at all.

“Didn’t realize all it took to shut you up was calling you out on all your bullshit.” Harry couldn’t help it, he couldn’t contain his biting words – he was done with holding back. Louis was always so quick to snap – he deserved a taste of his own medicine.

Louis slowly put his cup down on the table in front of them, his eyes never leaving Harry’s. “Are you seriously doing this right now?” he was seething, his blue eyes turned to angry slits.

Harry shrugged, trying to keep his entire demeanor as nonchalant as possible. He knew exactly how to push Louis’ buttons, and Louis absolutely hated when Harry refused to react. “I thought fighting at parties was our thing now. Just trying to keep things normal, stick to our routine and all that jazz. Wouldn’t dream of changing anything last minute without warning you first.”

“What the fuck’s your problem?” Louis practically growled.

Harry simply shrugged again, practically smiling inside at how Louis’ entire body was stiff with frustration and anger. “I don’t have a _problem_ ,” Harry answered slowly. “I’m pissed off that I’m sat this stupid party when I’m supposed to be having a romantic night with my boyfriend. I’m pissed that every single plan I’ve bothered to make has been fucked up by the person who apparently loves me.”  
Louis rolled his eyes. “Oh, because you’re _Mr. Fucking Perfect_ ,” he sneered. “Every time we get to see each other you’re too busy with Niall or Charlie or goddamn Jack to even spend a second alone with me.”

“My life isn’t all about you, Louis,” Harry sighed with in frustration.

“I never said it was,” Louis bit back. “You keep blaming all our problems on me and I’m so fucking sick of it. you have no fucking clue what it’s like to just be an afterthought for you.”

An afterthought? Louis had _never_ just been an afterthought for Harry, not once. He opened his mouth to say as much but Louis beat him to it, taking up the space with his voice.

“I keep waiting for you to find someone better, someone in London who will drop everything for you. I keep waiting for the day you wake up and decide you’re just as done with me as you with this town.”

“What are you even talking about?” Harry was reacting now, his fingers pulling at his curls as he questioned Louis. His heart was pounding – they’d never gotten this far into an argument before – they’d never talked about the actual _end_. Or maybe they had but it had never felt so real before – it had never felt like the end could be right around the corner.

“It just seems like you’re checked out of this relationship half the time,” Louis explained as he sank back into the sofa, the fight in him disappearing as he ran his fingers through his fringe. “Sometimes it feels like you don’t even want this anymore.”

“How can you even say that?” Harry asked incredulously, his voice low and ragged. “I’ve done nothing but _try_. I took you to that hotel for fucks sake. I’m sitting here with you instead of being in London with my friends. Seems like I’m pretty fucking in it if you ask me.”

“Does it? Does it really?” Louis countered. “You think one night in a fancy hotel can change the fact that we’re apart all the time? Did you actually think one grand gesture could make me forget the fact that all I do is sit around and wait for you?”

Harry threw his arms up in frustration. “And whose fault is that, Lou? I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together...”

Louis’ head shot up as Harry let the words slip from his mouth. “What are you saying?” he asked frantically. “Harry, what are you trying to say?”

“Nothing,” Harry sighed. “We’re drunk, we shouldn’t even be having this conversation right now.”

Louis shook his head. “No, we need to talk about this _now.”_

Harry had had enough – enough fighting, enough worrying, and certainly enough pretending. They weren’t okay; they hadn’t been okay since the day Louis told him he was staying in Holmes Chapel. but thinking it and saying it out loud were two very different things, and Harry didn’t know if he was entirely ready to admit to the fact that he could clearly see failure in their future.

“Harry,” Louis’ voice broke through his thoughts, his hands desperately grasping at his shoulders. “Harry, say something for fuck sakes.”

“Your mum says you’ve changed a lot since I’ve left,” and there it was, hanging between them – dangling dangerously like a loose icicle, ready to fall and pierce them at any given moment.

“And?”

Harry met Louis’ eyes, which seemed to reflect just as much fear and sadness as was currently nestled in Harry’s chest. “And,” Harry paused, swallowing hard before continuing. “I don’t want to do that to you, Lou. And I don’t want you just waiting around for me.”

“Because you’re not coming back to me, are you?” Louis interrupted, his voice quiet for a change – almost nonexistent.

“Lou,” Harry signed. He felt stone-cold sober all of a sudden, his heart sitting at a million pounds in his chest. “Of course I’m coming back to you, Lou. I’m yours forever, remember?”

Every time he had ever said that in the past Louis had always responded with “always”, so when that wasn’t what came out of Louis’ mouth, Harry’s heart sank.

“It doesn’t feel like that anymore, Haz,” Louis’ bottom lip quivered as he spoke. “All we do is fight. And, like, I want to make this work...I _need_ to make this word, but I feel like maybe you don’t feel that way.”

Harry slid closer to Louis on the sofa, his hand immediately covering Louis’. “I do, Lou, I promise you that I do. I can forget about all the fights and all that shit. I promise you I want to make this work. I don’t want to lose you, Lou. Not ever.”

Harry could see the hesitation on Louis’ face. He watched Louis intently, and he could pin point the exact moment when Louis decided to believe Harry’s words, when Louis decided that Harry was just as in it as he was. “You promise?” Louis asked, needing confirmation that Harry wasn’t just talking a bunch of shit – and maybe Harry didn’t even know the answer to that for certain, maybe Harry couldn’t even figure out the mess that was currently his head. All of this thoughts and feelings were wrapped around each other, a giant mess of tangled webs that he couldn’t sort out.

“I promise,” Harry finally whispered, moving closer so that his face was nuzzled into the crook of Louis’ neck. Louis was home, no matter where ever they found themselves, Louis would always be home to Harry. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work,” he whispered against Louis’ skin. “We can make this work.” He repeated, and he wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince more – Louis or himself.

They could make this work – _right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second last chapter to Part 1! I'd definitely love some feedback xx


	5. Love You Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is the last chapter of Part One! It's a sad one, I'm not going to lie. But I've posted the prologue to part 2 already so please, please, please check it out :) I promise an angsty, emotional rollercoaster with a happy ending! 
> 
> Love you all!

_I know there's nothing I can do to change it_  
But is it something that can be negotiated?  
My heart's already breaking, baby, go on, twist the knife.

(Love you Goodbye – One Direction)

The months dragged on, and. Louis did anything and everything in his power to fill his days so completely that he didn’t even need to remember that he was supposed to be missing Harry. Harry had stopped calling every day somewhere between his Christmas break and Valentine’s Day. Louis had stopped trying to call every day just last week. It had been a tough pill to swallow, and no matter how much he tried to convince everyone around him (mostly himself) that he could survive without hearing Harry’s voice every day, it felt like he was suffocating on the days that Harry’s name didn’t light up his phone. And it wasn’t that Louis was just sitting around waiting, he’d given up that hobby after their fight on New Year’s Eve. Louis was busy, busier than he’d ever been before. He was buried deep in uni assignments and work, not to mention taking care of the girls. But it didn’t matter if he was assisting at a photoshoot or trying to finish an essay last minute, his mind always wondered to Harry – his mind always seemed to automatically calculate how long it had been since the last time Harry had messaged or called – how long it had been since he’d had any solid proof that Harry had ever even existed in the first place.

It was mid-March and it had been far too long since Louis had seen Harry. They’d decided not to spend Valentine’s Day together since it had been in the thick of midterm season, so they hadn’t been in the same city since Christmas break. Louis tried not to care, tried not to read too much into it, but it was difficult. They were only a few hours apart, only a short train ride or drive, and yet neither of them seemed to be putting in much effort. Even after all of the promises they’d made to work things through, it just seemed easier to stay apart than see each other and risk the possible (inevitable) fighting. But it hurt, god did it hurt. Louis just wanted Harry to come home, just wanted to wrap his arms around him and feel his body against his own. Everything would be a million times easier if Harry was just _there._

 *

Louis was sat at one of the two cafes in town, laptop out and tea and a Danish within reach. He had all of two hours to hammer out the last few pages of a big paper and he wasn’t freaking out, not in the slightest. He’d escaped to the café to prevent further distraction from his family, and he was finally getting into the groove of essay writing when his phone started to sound, a call from Harry coming through. It had been two days since the last time Harry had actually properly phoned him (not that he was keeping track of such things). It had been over 48 hours and Louis had all but given up hope of hearing his boyfriend’s voice ever again (a tad dramatic, but then again, he lived for dramatics). And really, he should be focusing on his paper and not so invested in the fact that his phone was actually _ringing_ , but he was Louis and he couldn’t help but reach out and answer the call as quickly as possible. He was Louis Tomlinson after all.

“Hazza,” Louis breathed into the device the second he answered the call.

“Lou,” Harry sounded just as desperate to hear Louis’ voice as Louis had been to hear Harry’s, and that was all he needed. All he needed was to know that Harry missed him as much as he missed Harry. All he needed was to know that Harry was still in this just as much and as deep as he was.

“How’s the paper coming?” Louis knew that Harry was also holed up writing his own paper, because regardless of the fact that Harry didn’t make as much time to call Louis lately, he still texted him frequently (all the time). “Have you written eight to ten pages on Victorian poetry yet?”

Harry laughed on the other end. “I wish. More like five pages give or take five pages that might be total shit. How’s yours coming? The girls still distracting you?”

Louis leaned back into the wooden chair, which in the long run probably wasn’t the best thing to sit in while writing a paper, but Louis hadn’t put much thought into comfort or ergonomics. All he was focused on was the photojournalism paper he absolutely needed to finish and Harry’s voice. Anything and everything else absolutely did not matter. “I’m sat at Costa Coffee, had to get away from them and their incessant need to play dolls at all hours of the day.”

Harry laughed again, and all Louis wanted to do was capture the sound of his laugh into a jar and pocket it, so he could replay it over and over again for the rest of eternity. _Okay, that was a bit much_. “I miss you.”

“God, I miss you too, Haz.”

“The past few months have been absolute hell,” Harry groaned. “I can’t believe I haven’t seen you in like ten weeks. How have I lived ten weeks without seeing you?”

Louis _needed_ this. He’d been fairly certain he’d been going crazy the past few days – he’d been fairly certain that he was the only one still in the relationship. He was always so quick to worry, so quick to form a pit of anxiety over the state of his and Harry’s relationship, but knowing that Harry was just as miserable – just as consumed with longing – made the anxiety easier to manage.

“I’ve been going proper crazy without you Haz,” Louis admitted, but then he thought twice, wished he could backtrack and take back his words. He couldn’t be needy anymore – being needy was what had nearly ended them before. “But we’ll be together soon, just another six weeks and you’ll be home for the summer.”

“Right,” Harry said quietly, and Louis could feel it, he could feel the shift in the air and the way Harry’s voice seemed to falter. He could feel the cold set it in, and Louis wanted nothing more than to end the call now before anything else escaped Harry’s lips. “Lou, about that, we need to talk...”

Louis looked around him, taking in those sitting in the café – the happy faces, the other patrons who were innocently sipping at their coffees, teas, eating their biscuits and not having a single care in the world. He was seething with jealousy. How dare everyone else get to have a calm Sunday, a Sunday where their loved one wasn’t about to tear their whole world apart.

“Just say it,” Louis whispered into the phone.

Harry sighed, and Louis shuddered. “Niall and I went to look at a flat today,” Harry began. “We signed a lease and it starts May 1st.”

“Okay, so what? You’ll come home and then move in to the flat in September.”

“Louis,” Harry dragged out his name, his voice still quiet and careful, like he was treading water.

“You promised,” it came out much whinier than he’d intended, but he couldn’t help it. Harry _had_ promised. “You promised you were coming back to me.”

“Lou,” Harry sighed, and Louis could tell that Harry was sad, as if he knew that he was hurting Louis again. “I was thinking you could come stay with me for the summer. It’s just a few months, it would be like a little holiday for you.”

Louis pinched the bridge of his nose. The café was spinning around him, as if the whole world was titled off its axis. “You know I can’t do that, Haz.”

“Why?”

“I have responsibilities here. My mum needs my help with the girls. I can’t just pick up and leave for four months.”

Harry sighed again, as if it was the only thing he fucking knew how to do, and Louis wanted nothing more than to knock him on the backside of the head. “Lou, they’d be fine. We could come home on the weekends even. We could make it work.”

“Or you could just come home for the summer like we’d planned,” Louis snapped back. He was trying to not be angry, to be spiteful, but he couldn’t help it. Time was ticking, his essay deadline fast approaching, but he couldn’t even try to focus on that right now – not when Harry was burning everything to the ground.

“Louis, nothing has gone as planned,” Harry reminded him. “It’s not just about the flat.”

 _Of course it wasn’t._ Nothing was simple anymore; nothing had an easy fix.

“I got an internship,” Harry continued. And well fuck, Louis hadn’t even known Harry was applying to internships. Harry hadn’t even bothered to keep him updated on his life, Harry hadn’t even bothered to warn him. “Buzzfeed UK hired me for the summer, and I can’t pass it up, Lou. It’s a great opportunity.”

“Yeah,” Louis was on autopilot – he could barely even recognize his own voice anymore. “Of course not, Haz. A great opportunity.”

“Lou...”

“Look, Haz,” Louis took a deep breath, trying to focus on anything, but everything was a blur. “I got to go. I’ve only got an hour and a bit to get this paper in. Better get at it.”

“Louis, please, we need to talk about this,” Harry pleaded on the other end.

“I’ll call you later,” Louis promised, but he wasn’t even entirely certain if it was a promise he could keep. He wasn’t entirely certain that he could even stomach hearing Harry’s voice again within the same twenty-four hours. It was too much. It was all too much. “Talk to you later,” Louis added, ending the call before Harry could even get another word in. It was the only way, Louis couldn’t risk hearing his voice again. Harry was his weakness, and Louis needed time to wallow and panic before Harry whisked in and saved him with all of his reason and rationality.

Louis wasn’t sure what was going on inside his head, but he packed up his computer and all of his textbooks and stormed out into the cool March air. He couldn’t sit still – he couldn’t just sit there and have Harry’s words wash over him over and over and over again. So, he just walked. He walked until his hands were freezing inside of his gloves. He walked until his legs were tired and his essay was past due. He walked until he was numb inside.

*

“Louis, you’re absolutely frozen!” Jo exclaimed as Louis walked into the house, his nose bright red from the hours he had spent in the cold. “Where have you been?”

“Went for a walk,” Louis answered as he shrugged off his coat and boots before making his way towards the stairs.

“What about your paper?” Jo called after him.

Louis spun on the stairs, his eyes welling up with tears as he finally actually looked at his mum. It had always been nearly impossible to hold himself together in front of her. If he was an open book she was an avid reader. “Can’t really focus on writing a stupid paper when my boyfriend just chose a flat and an unpaid internship over our relationship.”

“Lou, what are you talking about?” Jo asked, concern taking over her voice and facial expressions.

Louis shrugged, laughing a bit just in spite of himself. “Harry isn’t coming home for the summer. He called me up today and told me he’s staying in London. Couldn’t even bother to have an actual conversation about it. Just decided for the both of us.”

Jo’s face fell as the words left Louis’ mouth. _Good, pity me_. Louis thought to himself. He was doing all this for her after all.

“Come sit with me, I’ll make you a cuppa. We can talk about it,” Jo grabbed at Louis’ hand, leading him back down the few stairs he’d managed to climb and towards the kitchen. And maybe Louis needed this. Maybe he needed to sit with his mum and just talk it through.

He sat at the table and watched as Jo bustled around him and prepared the tea. She didn’t say anything as she boiled the water and took two mugs from the cupboard. She didn’t open her mouth until she was sat across from Louis at the table, steaming mugs of tea placed in front of both of them.

“Now, tell me what happened,” she said evenly, rationally. Louis almost wanted to roll his eyes at how even tempered she could be sometimes. He’d managed to inherit her quick wit, but the quick temper and lack of patience must have come from his dad’s genes. What a fucker.

Louis took a drink from his tea before speaking. “I dunno, mum,” he began. “He called me up, the first time he’s even bothered to call in the last two days, and he just, he told me he signed a lease on a flat this morning. And then he told me he’d gotten an internship. He didn’t even tell me he was applying to internships, did you know that? Like I don’t matter enough to keep in the loop. Like he’s not even in a relationship at all.”

“Oh, Lou,” Jo soothed as she reached out to cover his hand with her own. Louis could always count on his mum to comfort him. She’d always been there. Even when he was awful to her, she was right there.

“Anyway,” he continued. “He told me he wasn’t coming home. Even though he fucking promised. He promised me he’d come home to me. But nope,” he popped the “p” for emphasis. “He’s staying in London and when I even dared to mention his promise, he just asked me to move there for the summer. As if I can just pick up my life and go to London for four months. He’s so fucking selfish, I swear.”

“Louis,” Jo started, her voice careful. “You could go to London. You know that. You could have gone to London in September.”  
Louis wiped at the tears that were starting to pool under his eyes. “Mum, I couldn’t have. I couldn’t leave you and the girls.” Jo made to argue his words, but he put up a hand to stop her. “I know you didn’t ask me to stay, I _know_ that I can’t blame you for this. And I’m so sorry that I ever tried to claim that this was all your fault. But I just, I wasn’t ready, mum,” he was officially crying into his tea. He was officially the world’s lamest excuse of a man. “I wasn’t ready to be away from you all. I would have worried so much. I would have felt so awful for leaving you.”

“But you can go now, Lou,” Jo countered. “You could go for the summer at least. We’ll be fine. I promise we’ll be fine.”

Louis shook his head fervently. “Mum, I can’t. You’ve given up so much for us, sacrificed so much for me. I can’t just leave you like that.”

“We’d make it work, Louis,” Jo insisted. “Harry has a car, I’m sure he’d be willing to let you borrow it to come home as much as you’d like. Besides, Gemma is coming home for the summer and she loves watching the girls. I’m sure she’d be willing to help out if I really need it.”

Louis finally looked up, finally met his mum’s eyes. “Really?” he whispered, almost too scared to get the confirmation he needed. Almost afraid to hear _yes_. “You’d really be okay with it?”

“I love you, Lou. I just want you to see you happy. If four months in London will make you happy, then I’ll drive you there myself. We’ll miss you, but you’ll come back to us. It’ll all be okay.”

Louis stood, rounding the table until he was standing in front of Jo, holding his arms out so that he could hold her against him. Jo had been young when she’d had Louis – just a seventeen-year-old girl – and they’d basically grown up together. Jo had always been his very best friend in the whole world; he never should have doubted her need to see him happy. He never should have thought for a single second that she’d want to hold him back.

“I love you, mum,” he cried into her hair. But the tears were no longer sad ones, instead they were filled with hope. Everything was going to be okay. Finally.

*

It wasn’t until Louis was in his bed later that night that he looked at his phone again. There were no missed calls, no texts from Harry since their conversation earlier in the day. Louis knew he needed to apologize – he knew he needed to be the one to reach out and mend things this time. But he was also filled with hesitation. He wanted to go to London – he _planned_ on going to London for the summer. He and Jo had talked about it until they were blue in the face. But he didn’t want to tell Harry, not like this – not over the phone. Jo had agreed to lend him the car the following weekend. He just needed to wait seven more days and then he could drive to London and surprise Harry with the news. Harry had tried to fix things with a grand gesture once, it was time Louis did the same.

Louis unlocked his phone and slowly clicked on Harry’s contact info, placing the phone to his ear as the call connected and the phone started to ring. He took three deep breaths before Harry answered, his voice sounding just as emotionally exhausted as Louis felt.

“I didn’t realize “I’ll call you later” meant in ten hours,” Harry’s voice filled the line and Louis sat up further in bed at the frustration he heard buried in it. “You could’ve at least texted or something.”

“I’m sorry,” Louis sighed. “I really am. Not just for how long it took me to call back. I’m sorry for all of it. I never should have reacted the way I did. Of course you have to stay. Buzzfeed is a great opportunity and you need to take it.”

Harry was silent on the other line, sending a wave of panic through Louis. What if his apology was a little too late? What if Harry was over his over-dramatic nature? “Really?” Harry finally broke his silence. “You’re really okay with this?”

“Really,” Louis confirmed. “I’m happy for you. I’m sorry I didn’t congratulate you earlier, you just caught me off guard. I’m really happy for you.”

Louis wasn’t entirely certain if he was telling the truth. He _was_ happy for Harry, but that didn’t mean he liked the fact that Harry had made some big decision without talking it through with him first. But maybe Louis didn’t have a right to say that, to even think that. Louis had done the exact same thing not that long ago.

“I love you, Loubear,” Harry said quietly. “I’ll come home and visit as much as I can, I promise.”

 _Promise._ Louis didn’t think he could believe that word anymore. Harry’s promises didn’t mean much to him anymore, not after he had been so quick to go back on so many of them. They’d both been shit at keeping their promises lately. Maybe neither of them had any business making them in the first place.

“I love you too, Hazza. Forever.”

“Always.”

~

Thursday night came fast. Louis had been busy with papers and work and hadn’t even really noticed the time fly. He’d been too excited to surprise Harry with his news, too excited to even care that he’d only talked to Harry on the phone twice that entire week. In just a few weeks everything would be fine – everything would be _perfect._ They’d be living together for an entire four months and everything would be magical.

Louis had the entire weekend planned. He’d leave for London the following day once Jo got home from work, drive to Harry’s dorm and bring him his favourite take away. They’d hang out with Niall and laugh until the early hours of the morning and then Louis would tell Harry – he’d tell Harry that he was moving to London for the summer. Harry would be so happy, all smiles and _really Lou?_ They’d fall asleep with their arms wrapped tightly around each other, smiles on their faces. Every single fight they’d had in the past seven months wouldn’t even matter anymore. Everything would be perfect.

He’d put off telling Harry about his impromptu trip, wanting to surprise him as much as possible. But he also knew that he couldn’t just show up unannounced, so Louis pulled his phone out of his jogger pockets and dialed Harry’s number, his hands shaking with excitement. Harry picked up on the fourth ring, plenty of background noise masking his quiet “hi”.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Louis asked as he sat down on his bed. He didn’t really care if he’d caught Harry at a bad time, he was too excited to wait any longer.

“Just at a party,” Harry explained loudly, obviously trying to overpower the music and chatter in the background.

“Oh, sick,” Louis replied. “Niall forcing you to have another party?”

“H, c’mon,” Louis heard another voice in the background – a voice he recognized. Jack. “You’re a shit partner, mate. It’s your bloody turn.”

“Lou? One sec, okay?” Harry said into the phone, and Louis didn’t even have a chance to respond before Harry was gone from the phone. All Louis could hear was a bunch of rustling, shouting, and laughing until Harry was back, breathing heavy into the receiver. “Sorry, I’m here now. Just stepped into the hall.”

“You’re at Jack’s?” Louis was just asking, was just curious. It had nothing to do with the seething jealousy he seemed to have at just the thought of Harry being within 100 metres of the guy. Maybe he’d only ever spent a few short hours with Jack, but Louis could read people, and Jack’s obvious interest in Harry had been lost on him.

“Uh, yeah,” Harry replied slowly.

Louis took a deep breath, counted to ten, pinched the bridge of his nose – he did all of the little tricks he knew to suppress his quick temper. “I’ve got a surprise for you,” he basically sang into the phone once his jealously was properly squashed.

“A surprise?” Harry parroted. “What kind of surprise?”

Louis had intended to drag it out, to make Harry guess. But patience wasn’t a virtue he often possessed, and he was far too anxious. “I’m coming to visit you for the weekend!”

“What?”

And well, that wasn’t the reaction he’d anticipated. “I’m coming to visit you for the weekend,” he repeated, louder – slower – just in case Harry had missed it.

“But...how?” Harry asked tentatively.

Louis rolled his eyes. Harry could be pretty daft sometimes, but really? “Mum let me borrow the car. I’m gonna leave when she’s home from work, probably around three or so.”

“Lou,” Harry’s voice was strange, almost short. Louis’ stomach twisted. Something was wrong. Why was something always wrong? “Lou, why didn’t you tell me before now?”

 _Okay, what the fuck?_ Harry was supposed to be happy; he was supposed to be goddamn excited. But instead he just sounded...bored? Upset? Irritated?

“Because I wanted to surprise you?” It wasn’t a question, it was a fact – but Louis couldn’t help the way his voice rose at the end of the sentence. This was supposed to be a good thing. Surprising Harry was supposed to be a goddamn _good_ thing. Why was it going like this?

Nothing made sense. Nothing ever made any sense anymore.

“Fuck,” Harry mumbled into the phone – and _no, no this wasn’t the way this was supposed to go at all._

“What’s the problem?” Louis finally asked. “Why is me coming to visit such a fucking problem?”

Harry was silent for too long, far too long for Louis to not panic. “I’m not even going to be here, Lou. I’m going to Ibiza for the weekend.”

_What?_

“What?” Louis parroted his internal turmoil. “What do you mean you’re going to _Ibiza?_ Since when are you going to fucking Ibiza?”

“It was sort of last minute,” Harry explained slowly. “We just wanted to get away for the weekend, relax a bit before the last few weeks of school.”

“Who’s _we_?” Louis couldn’t help but ask, couldn’t help but be a masochist. He knew exactly who Harry meant by _we_.

“Me, Niall, Charlie...”

“And Jack. Just say it, Harry, just fucking say it,” Louis pressed. “You planned a weekend getaway to fucking Ibiza with _Jack_ and didn’t even fucking bother to tell me.”

“It’s not like that, Lou,” Harry rushed. “It was last minute, I didn’t even get the chance to tell you...”

Louis was pacing his bedroom now, probably burning a hole through the hardwood floor. He didn’t give a shit. “When? When did you make these last-minute plans, Harry?”

Harry mumbled nonsensically in response, his voice so low and his enunciation so bad that Louis couldn’t make a bit of sense out of the answer.

“Just spit it out for fuck sakes.”

“Monday,” Harry finally snapped into the phone. His voice was still sheepish, as if he knew he was about to reprimanded, but Louis could tell he’d lost all patience.

Louis froze at his response, standing still in front of his mirror. He took a long look at himself – hair disheveled by how much he’d been nervously playing with it, nostrils flared in anger. He barely even recognized himself. “ _Monday?_ ” he hissed into the phone. “It’s fucking Thursday, Harry. You had four fucking days to ring me up and tell me you’re going to Ibiza for the weekend. When were you going to tell me then? Hmm? Were you just going to snap me a picture of you and fucking _Jack_ in Ibiza? Was I going to wake up to an Instagram post of you taking a body shot off of fucking _Jack_?”

“Louis,” Harry’s voice was stern, non-forgiving. “You’re barely being fair. How many times have I told you there’s nothing going on with him? He’s my _friend_. I’m allowed to have friends, aren’t I?”

“I don’t even know why I bother trying anymore,” Louis whispered hotly into the phone as he sat on the edge of his bed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Louis sighed, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. “I thought you wanted to try to make this work? I thought you said you’d do whatever it takes to make this work?”

“I am,” Harry’s voice barely had an ounce of emotion in it. Louis could picture him now, leaned against the dorm hall wall, stoic as ever. “Jesus, Lou. I just wanted to go away with my friends for the weekend. I had no idea you were planning on coming.”

“It’s not even that, Harry,” Louis’ voice was empty, drained of all anger, all frustration. He was so bloody _tired_. “You don’t even talk to me anymore. You didn’t bother to tell me you were looking at a flat, you didn’t tell me about applying to internships. Now you’re planning weekends away on party islands and you aren’t even _telling_ me anything. You’re supposed to talk to me. You’re supposed to tell me these things.”

Harry went quiet again, almost as if Louis’ words were actually hitting him. Almost as if he knew Louis was right for once. “I’m sorry,” he finally breathed. “I’m sorry, you’re right...shit, I’m sorry, Lou. This is hard, you know?”

Louis laughed, couldn’t even contain himself. “Oh? This is hard for you?” he was back to being sarcastic and sassy, and maybe that wasn’t the best way to be when he was trying to have a serious conversation with his boyfriend, but he just couldn’t help it. Harry deserved it. Harry deserved for him to be _cold_. “What do you think it’s like for me then? I told you once that I feel like an afterthought to you. You proved that this week, Harry. Fuck, you proved me right all along. I don’t even matter to you, do I?”

“Lou...”

“No,” Louis snapped, interrupting Harry before he could even bother to explain, before he could list his overused and barely even legitimate excuses. “How could I matter to you when you do shit like this? You want to go to Ibiza with your friends? Go for it. You want to stay in London for the summer? Good for you. I wouldn’t have given a flying fuck about any of this if you actually just fucking _talked to me_.”

“How do you expect me to talk to you when you act like this every time?” Harry finally scoffed into the phone. “We can’t have a single conversation without you getting bitchy.”

Louis laughed again. He was done. This conversation was over for as far as he was concerned. “You wanna know why I was coming to London? I was going to tell you that I talked it through with my mum, that I was going to move to London for the summer. Fuck, I was going to drive to London and surprise you with the news. I was going to tell you that you were right, that I could do this. That we were worth it.”

“Wha...Lou, we are...” Harry was stumbling over his words, trying to keep up with the news Louis had just laid in front of him. “We are worth it, Lou. Fuck, I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Louis chuckled sarcastically. “It was meant to be a fucking surprise, wasn’t it?”

“Come next weekend,” Harry rushed out. “Come next weekend and we’ll talk and we’ll sort it all out. I’ll show you the flat. Baby, please. Come next weekend.”

“Have fun in Ibiza, Harry.”

“Wait, Louis, don’t hang up like this,” Harry pleaded on the other side of the call.

Louis laid back on his bed, his fingers tugging at his fringe almost painfully. “Call me when you’re back, okay?”

“I love you,” Harry whispered, giving up the fight just like he always did. Louis could always count on that – he could always count on Harry giving up. It was the only thing he seemed good at lately.

“Yeah, I know,” Louis was crying, he was _fucking_ sobbing, but he wouldn’t let Harry know that. “I love you too, Haz. Always.”

“Forever,” was the last word he heard Harry say before Louis disconnected the call and fell into his pillow face first, tears already soaking his pillowcase.

~

Louis didn’t text Harry the next day, didn’t bother to wish him a safe flight or a nice little holiday. He didn’t check any form of social media either. He didn’t want to know if Harry was already in Ibiza – didn’t want to know what he was doing and who he was doing it with. And he felt stupid, he _did_. Because he trusted Harry; he trusted Harry enough not to cheat on him at least. He knew Harry would never do that to him. He trusted Harry enough to stay faithful, but he didn’t trust Harry enough to not hurt him in some other way.

And god, Louis had been stupid. He’d expected Harry to reach out – to call, to text, to facetime – to do _something_ before he got on that damn plane and went away for the weekend. He expected Harry to try to apologize a million times. But he didn’t. It was radio silence between the two of them. Neither of them reaching out to the other. Maybe it was better off this way. Maybe they just needed some time to cool down and collect themselves. Maybe it would all just blow over like it did every single time before now. Louis would still pack his stuff and move to London in a month. They’d still get the summer together. Everything would be _fine_.

*

Louis woke up on Saturday to an empty house and a note on the kitchen table.

_Louis,_

_Took the girls to see Nan. Thought you could use a weekend to yourself. We’ll be back tomorrow evening. There’s a lasagna in the fridge. Put it in the oven at 300 degrees for an hour. Love you lots, Mum xx_

And seriously, could his mum be any lovelier? She’d asked him over and over again since his argument with Harry if everything was okay. She’d tried to get him to open up, to get him to explain just why he wasn’t going to London for the weekend. But Louis had barely explained. He’d muttered something about Harry already having plans and had spent the rest of the time sulking in his room and avoiding his family at all costs. He needed this.

When the doorbell rang it was barely even ten in the morning. Louis was still in his joggers and an old _Rolling Stones_ t shirt of Harry’s. Because of course he slept in Harry’s clothes. Even when Louis was as angry at Harry as he currently was, he _needed_ to sleep in Harry’s clothes – needed to be surrounded by something that reminded him that everything was going to be okay. He pulled the door open, nearly dropping the cereal bowl in his hand when he took in who was standing on the other side of the threshold.

“What are you doing here?” Louis asked, his jaw hanging open, as he eyed his guest curiously. He looked awful, like he’d barely slept. But god, he was still beautiful. He was still sharp jaw and long eye lashes. Harry would always be beautiful to Louis, no matter what happened between them. No matter how many fights they had, Harry would always be the world’s most beautiful creature in Louis’ eyes.

“I needed to see you,” Harry rasped, his voice low and rushed. “I needed to, god...can I come in?”

Louis stepped aside, holding the door open for Harry, watching carefully as Harry made his way further into the house and discarded his jacket. He was wearing a pair of nearly painted on skinny jeans, the one’s Louis loved the most and a plain white t-shirt that was thin enough to expose his constantly perk nipples. _God_ , Louis needed to get it together. It had been so long since he’d seen Harry in person, it had been _months_ , and Louis just couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t help the thoughts that were running through his mind. Harry was standing there, in the middle of his living room, looking like a fucking god and Louis wanted to pounce. But he wouldn’t – not with the thin line that Harry had his mouth set in – _no,_ he’d figure out what Harry was even doing here in the first place.

“I thought you were meant to be in Ibiza?” Louis asked carefully as he walked to the kitchen, Harry right behind him. He set his bowl in the sink before turning to face Harry.

Harry just stood there, watching Louis with wide eyes. Louis was pretty sure that if he reached out to touch Harry that Harry would jump at the movement – he looked so fragile, so _on edge_. So, Louis just leaned back against the kitchen counter and waited for Harry to move, to speak, to _do something_.

“I didn’t go,” Harry’s quiet voice filled the kitchen.

“Well, no shit,” Louis stated with a wry smile. “Why not?”

Harry looked around them, taking in every little millimetre of the kitchen before turning his attention back to Louis. God, he looked like he was on crack or something, Louis thought to himself. “Where’s your mum? The girls?”

Louis shook his head, barely capable of following Harry’s train of thoughts. “They went to see my Nan. They’ll be back tomorrow.”

Harry only nodded in response, digging his hands into his jean pockets and staring intently at the floor.

“Harry,” Louis started quietly, not daring to move a single inch. Harry still looked like he might flee at the smallest movement. “Are you alright? You look kind of...strung out.”

Harry sighed then, some of the tension finally leaving his shoulders as he ran a hand through his curls. “Jesus, Lou, I’m not _high._ ”

Louis just shrugged. “Sorry, it’s just, you’re acting really weird.”

“I didn’t sleep at all last night,” Harry explained, his eyes still not meeting Louis’. “I went to Ibiza yesterday and then got on a plane back to London in the middle of the night. I tried to sleep a bit before I drove here, but I just couldn’t.”

Okay, something was up. Why would Harry bother fly to Ibiza and back in the same day? Why would he get in his car on no sleep and drive back to Holmes Chapel? Nothing was adding up. Nothing was making any sense at all. And Louis wanted to ask, god, he _needed_ to know what was going on, but he was afraid. He was afraid if he opened his mouth and asked the questions he needed the answers to that Harry would say the one thing he was afraid of the most. And he just wasn’t ready yet.

“D’you want a cuppa?” he asked instead.

Harry nodded his head quickly. “Please, and maybe some toast?”

Louis hummed in response and went about filling the kettle and putting some bread in the toaster. He could do this, this was something he could do. He could make Harry some breakfast, could sit Harry down and make him feel better. He could tuck Harry into his bed and force him to get some sleep. He could make everything better. Nobody had to say anything.

They drank their tea in silence, the only sound coming from Harry biting into his toast every now and then. Louis was pretty certain he was going to spontaneously combust, but he didn’t dare press Harry – he didn’t dare even ask Harry why he was there. Everything would be fine as long as he didn’t ask.

“Think we could sleep for a bit?” Harry asked as he pushed his empty plate away from him. He was finally looking at Louis, and Louis thought he might die right then and there. Harry looked so _sad_ , so incredibly drowned in it, and Louis knew – god he _knew_ what was going to happen. He could feel it right in his gut.

“’Course,” Louis whispered, swallowing hard as he stood up from the table and led Harry through the house, up the stairs and to his bedroom. He watched as Harry peeled his jeans and shirt off before climbing in the bed. He tried not to let the horribly scared tears fall from his eyes as he watched Harry press himself against the wall and look at Louis expectantly.

“Lay with me?” Harry sounded so small, so scared, and all Louis could do was climb into the bed and wrap his arms around Harry. He didn’t bother undressing himself, he laid his body flush against Harry’s and pulled him close. He breathed in the familiar scent of Harry – Harry’s shampoo, laundry soap, Harry’s very essence. He held back the tears as Harry wrapped his arms around Louis in response, pulling Louis even closer, hanging onto him for dear life. He buried his nose into Louis’ neck, breathing in deeply like he was trying to take all of Louis in. And Louis could swear he felt something wet hit his skin – tears – but he didn’t dare check. He ran his fingers through Harry’s hair, gently untangling the knots and massaging his scalp until he recognized the even breaths that signified Harry had fallen asleep.

*

Louis must have drifted asleep, must have finally succumbed to the warmth of Harry’s body and the beat of his heart and dozed off, because the next thing Louis knew he was waking up to kisses being placed on his neck. It took him a moment to remember everything that had happened earlier that morning. It took him a minute to process the fact that Harry had shown up unannounced – had flown to and from Ibiza in the same day and driven to Holmes Chapel. It took a second for Louis to remember the way Harry had stood in the kitchen, looking completely broken. But then he remembered it all, every single second from that morning come rushing back like a tidal wave and Louis thought he might just be sick. And he probably would have thrown up right then and there if it hadn’t been for Harry’s lips brushing against his skin. He probably would have keeled over his bed and vomited right on the floor if Harry wasn’t pushing his t-shirt up and mouthing against his stomach.

Everything was fine. Harry was here. Harry was kissing him. Everything was fine.

Everything was _not_ fine.

But Louis wasn’t going to worry about that, not yet anyways. He buried his fingers into Harry’s hair, his eyes closing as he let himself get lost in the feeling of Harry’s mouth – his lips, his tongue, his fucking _teeth_ – grazing against his skin. They didn’t say anything, they didn’t need to. Louis opened his eyes as Harry pulled at the waist band of his joggers and boxer briefs, ridding Louis of both articles of clothing all at once. And fuck, Louis might actually lose it. He might actually die right there. Harry was staring up at him intently, nestled between his thighs, his eyes practically begging for it. All Louis could do was use his hand that was wrapped around Harry’s hair to guide Harry down to his cock. All Louis could do was watch in awe as Harry licked a stripe against his hardened dick before taking the whole thing in his mouth.

And fuck, everything was not fine at all.

“ _Harry_ ,” and no, that wasn’t right. Louis had meant to stop him, to say his voice as a warning, but it came out breathy and needy instead. He took a deep breath, trying to ignore the way Harry’s tongue was currently lapping around his tip. He needed to be the strong one. “Stop, Harry, stop.”

Harry let Louis’ cock slip from his mouth, but his eyes never let Louis’. He was crying, tears slowly falling down his face as he looked up at Louis – silently begging Louis to just let him have this one thing.

“Harry,” Louis tried again, his voice sterner this time – more convincing. “Why are you here?”

Harry shook his head, not even bothering to wipe the tears away. “No, Lou, please. Please just let me. Let me have you. Please. Please don’t make me stop. Not yet. Please.”

How the hell was Louis supposed to even say no to that? How was he not supposed to give the person he loved most in this world exactly what he wanted? Louis would give Harry anything in the world, anything he could – and he _could_ give him this. This he could do.

But he didn’t let Harry take him back in his mouth. Instead, he pulled Harry up from his underarms, pulling his body until he was flush against Louis, until they were perfectly aligned. If this was it, if this was going to be _it_ , then he’d make it worth it. He let his mouth collide with Harry’s, their lips desperately moving against each other’s, their tongues wrapping around each other in the most perfect way possible. He kissed Harry until he couldn’t breathe – until he couldn’t take it anymore. He kissed Harry until he was panting, until Harry was desperately grinding down against him.

“Fuck me,” Louis whispered into Harry’s ear, his teeth nipping at his earlobe. “Harry, please, please fuck me.”

Harry only whimpered in response, reaching across the bed to dig around in Louis’ bedside drawer where he knew the lube was. Louis pushed every single thought from his mind – he pushed every single hesitation away. He just watched in awe as Harry rid himself of his underwear and squirted a generous amount of lube on his hand, coating his fingers with the clear liquid. He watched in awe as Harry dipped down to kiss him while simultaneously massaging Louis’ tight muscle with his lubed fingers.

“Not too much,” Louis moaned into Harry’s neck as Harry went to open him up with a third finger.

“Hmm?” Harry mumbled in response, mouthing at Louis’ neck as he curled his fingers, hitting Louis’ prostate in the most beautiful way possible.

“Want it to hurt,” Louis said through a jagged breath. “Please, Harry. Fuck me, now. Please.”

“Yeah, okay. Okay, yeah,” Harry stumbled as he sat up on his knees, taking the bottle of lube in his hand again so he could coat his own cock. Louis watched intently, recorded all of it to memory. He needed to remember every single second of this – he needed to be able to play it back over and over. He needed to remember all of it.

It had been so long since they’d been like this – it had been _months_ since they’d been together, and even then, it hadn’t been quite like this. It hadn’t been this raw, this _desperate_. It had never been like this.

They both cried out as Harry bottomed out inside of Louis. Their eyes were locked, Harry’s green orbs searching Louis’ ocean blues, and Louis didn’t even know what Harry was looking for. He didn’t know what Harry wanted, what Harry needed. They were so in sync, and yet it felt like they were on two different planets altogether.

Nothing would ever be fine again. Not after this.

“I love you so much,” Harry moaned as he thrusted into Louis, tears running down his face once again. Louis wanted to wipe them all away, wanted to take away every ounce of Harry’s pain – but he couldn’t. They couldn’t save each other – not anymore.

“Baby,” Louis cried out as Harry moved them, his cock at the perfect angle, hitting Louis’ prostate again and again. “I love you, baby. Always.”

“Forever,” Harry’s thrusts were getting sloppy, obviously nearing his edge. Louis went to grab at his own cock, wanted to come just as Harry did, but Harry swatted him away. He pinned Louis’ wrists to the bed as he continued to pound into him, thrusting nonstop until his jaw fell slack and he came with Louis’ name running off his tongue.

Louis didn’t even have a chance to object, because the second Harry was finished he was pulling out of Louis and sliding down the bed until he had Louis in his mouth again. He never broke eye contact, watching Louis through big, wet green eyes until Louis was spilling into his mouth with a groan.

They laid beside each other for what felt like eternity, time passing incredibly slow as they tried to catch their breath. Louis didn’t dare turn his head to look at Harry – he didn’t dare speak. He knew the second he did that their bubble would burst, the walls would come crashing down and they’d be forced to admit the truth – they’d be forced to admit the truth. And Louis wasn’t ready to recognize that what had just happened had been the end. He wasn’t ready to admit that what they’d just done had been their way of saying goodbye.

Nothing was fine at all.

Harry was the first to move. He sat on the edge of the bed as he dressed himself, pulling his t-shirt over his head last. It wasn’t until he was fully clothed that he looked at Louis, who was still laying naked on his bed. And Louis couldn’t take it – he couldn’t take the way Harry was looking at him. He couldn’t take the sadness that had replaced everything he loved about Harry’s eyes. He couldn’t take any of this.

“Lou,” Harry’s voice made Louis jump, scared him out of his thoughts. _No, don’t speak. It’ll make this real._

Instead of saying that, instead of saying what he actually wanted to say, Louis just shook his head and climbed off the bed. He gathered his clothes up and walked silently to the bathroom, locking himself in the small room – locking himself away from Harry and the impending reality. He got dressed robotically, pulling his joggers on and reaching for his shirt as if he was in a state of complete shock. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe knowing that the second he unlocked the door and went back to Harry that his world would come crashing down around him.

He stared at himself in the mirror, trying to recognize a single feature that was reflected back to him. He didn’t even recognize himself. This wasn’t actually happening, it was a dream. He was dreaming. Of course. He was watching a horror movie, that had to be it. This wasn’t real life.

Louis turned the faucet on, running his hands under the cold water until it started to hurt. He splashed his face a couple of times, trying to wake himself up, but nothing was working. This was real life. This was happening. He had to face the truth.

He didn’t know how long he stayed in the bathroom, but when he finally emerged he couldn’t find Harry anywhere. It wasn’t until he walked back downstairs that he found Harry sat on the sofa, a cup of tea in his hand and another waiting for Louis on the coffee table.

“So,” Louis finally found his voice as he sat beside Harry and picked up his mug, staring at the liquid so that he didn’t have to meet Harry’s eyes.

“Lou,” Harry sighed, his finger moving to Louis’ chin, forcing him to look up – forcing him to look at Harry. “I need to tell you why I’m here.”  
Louis shook his head. “You really don’t,” Louis responded. “I already know.”

Harry furrowed his eyebrows, and Louis knew he was pretending to be surprised. He already knew that Louis knew. Louis wasn’t stupid. Harry had never taken him for stupid before.

“I think I know goodbye sex when I see it,” Louis muttered into his mug.

“Lou...”

“Stop, yeah? Please just stop,” Louis interrupted Harry before he even got the chance to say anything. “I’m not stupid. I’m not...fuck...the second I opened the door this morning I knew it. You’ve never had a good poker face.”

Harry’s hand fell from Louis’ chin, and Louis instantly felt cold – alone. “I didn’t...I wasn’t,” Harry was stumbling over his words, frustration clear on his face. He took a deep breath before trying to continue. “I wanted this to work, Lou. I wanted us to work.”

And okay, now Louis got to be angry. Now Louis got to call Harry out on his bullshit. “I don’t really think you did, Harry. You’ve been pulling away ever since you left for London. Don’t lie to yourself, and don’t you dare lie to me.”

Harry looked up just then, his face scrunched up in shock, in surprise. “What? Lou, how can you even say that?”

Louis put his mug on the table, afraid he’d spill it with how hard his hands were shaking. “Don’t you get it? Don’t you see what’s been happening? Don’t you see what you’ve been doing?”

“I’ve done nothing but try to make this work, Lou.”

Louis shook his head, screwing his eyes shut for a second so he could organize his thoughts. “Your life changed. You moved to a new city, you made new friends, _you_ changed,” Harry made to argue but Louis put his hand up to stop him. “And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, Harry. Fuck, of course I want you to have a beautiful life. But you forgot about me in the process. You forgot that I was here, waiting for you, _loving_ you.”

“I never forgot about you,” Harry countered, his voice shaking.

“Maybe not intentionally, maybe you didn’t even notice,” Louis continued. “But you did. You left me out of everything. You ended this relationship a long time ago. I just think we were just too scared to admit it.”

Harry pulled at his curls, and Louis wanted to reach out. He wanted to pull his hand away and stop him from hurting himself, but he didn’t. “This is why, Lou,” he cried. “I feel like everything I do, everything that’s going on in my life, is just hurting you. And I can’t keep feeling bad for living. I can’t keep feeling guilty for going to London, for pursuing my dreams.”

“That’s rich,” Louis spat. He didn’t want to get angry, he didn’t want this to go down that way, but he couldn’t help it. “I never once tried to make you feel guilty for leaving.”

“But you did, all the time,” Harry said with a shrug. “You made me feel guilty for making friends. You made me feel guilty for getting an internship. Fuck, you made me feel guilty for having a fucking life.”

“And you made me feel like complete trash for not following you like a lost little puppy,” Louis shot back. “You don’t get it, do you? You don’t get why I had to stay here? My life isn’t like yours, Harry. I don’t have a rich dad who pays for everything. I don’t even know where my fucking dad is. My mum just has me, only has me okay? I’m the only help she has, and I stayed here because I couldn’t be like him. And you? You’re just like your dad. You left. You got this shiny new life. You threw your money at me to make me feel better.”

Harry sat straighter as Louis spit the words at him, his body stiffening with tension. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“The fucking hotel, Harry!” Louis yelled. “Your grand fucking gesture! You knew we were on the brink of breaking, so you spent a fuck ton of money on some fancy night. Doesn’t that ring a bell? Doesn’t that remind you of a certain dickhead that left your family and started a new one? You’re just like him!”

Harry was silent, his jaw hanging open as he looked back at Louis. Maybe it was a low blow, maybe Louis had no right to say any of it, but it was how he felt – and Louis was nothing but honest.

“And then you show up here, you just...you fucking show up,” Louis doesn’t hold back, he can’t stop himself from being hysterical, he can’t stop the tears from pouring down his face. “You show up and you ask me to make you toast, to take a nap. You beg me to let you suck me off. And now what? You’re just going to end it? You’re just going to walk out of my life like the last three years meant fuck all?”

“They didn’t mean fuck all,” Harry whispered after several beats of silence. “They meant everything, Lou.”

“Bullshit,” Louis spat through his tears.

Harry shook his head, his fingers pulling at his curls again. “Don’t do that, don’t pretend like I never loved you. I have loved you for the past three years. I have loved you nonstop. I have loved you always.”

“Just not forever, right?” Louis cried, his tears causing his words to gurgle.

Harry reached out, tried to cover Louis’ hand with his own but Louis pulled back like Harry’s skin was scorching hot. “Lou, I’ll always love you,” Harry whispered. “I don’t think there’ll be a day where I stop loving you. But we can’t, I can’t....” Harry wiped at his face, at the tears that were running nonstop from his eyes. “I can’t do this anymore. We’re not the same. We’re so mean to each other, and if we keep going like this it’s going to get so much worse.”

“Oh,” Louis mumbled sarcastically. “So, you’re doing this to save us? How noble of you. King Harry here to save the fucking day, yeah?”

“Lou, stop,” Harry begged. “Stop being so fucking sarcastic for one second. Please?”

Louis crossed his arms over his chest and sat back on the couch. He wanted to glare at Harry, wanted to cause him actual pain, but he couldn’t. Maybe Harry was right. Maybe they were too far gone. Maybe there was no saving them.

“I love you,” Louis finally whispered between them. “I love you so much, you know?”

Harry sighed in relief, nodding as he pulled Louis against him, wrapping his arms around him. “I love you too, Lou.”

“It’s not enough though, is it?” Louis asked against Harry’s shirt, his tears soaking through the thin fabric.

Harry shook his head, his lips leaving a soft kiss to Louis’ hair. “No, baby. It’s not enough.”

Louis finally gave in to the sob that had been threatening to wreck through his chest since the second Harry had walked through the door. He sobbed against Harry’s chest, until he couldn’t tell if the way his body was shaking was from his own crying or Harry’s. They held onto each other and cried until neither of them had any tears left. They only pulled apart when silence surrounded them once again.

“I don’t want you to go,” Louis murmured as he hung onto Harry’s hand, their fingers interlaced. “I’m not ready.”

Harry turned to Louis just then and reached out to caress the side of his face with his hand. Louis keened into the touch, closing his eyes at the feeling of Harry’s skin against his. It was the last time he’d ever feel it – it was the last time he’d ever get the chance to have Harry’s skin against his own.

“I love you, Lou. Please don’t ever think otherwise.”

Louis tried to pull Harry back as he stood from the couch, but Harry managed to move out of his grasp. He watched as Harry pulled his jacket back on. He cried as Harry pulled his left boot on his foot. He stood up and wrapped himself around Harry once Harry had the right boot on. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. The second Harry walked out that door this would be it. They’d be over. He couldn’t let Harry leave.

“I was going to move to London,” Louis cried. “We were going to have the whole summer to fix this.”

Harry wrapped his arms around Louis, holding him close against him. “I don’t want us to keep hurting each other.”

“We can try,” Louis pleaded.

Harry pulled away at that, his eyes brimmed with tears once again. “It’s over Lou,” it came out as a whisper, but his voice was frantic, almost panicky. He reached for the doorknob, twisting it and pulling the door open. “We’re over.”

“Yeah,” Louis whispered, falling back as Harry stepped onto the front porch. “Guess I never should have believed your promises, yeah?”

Harry shook his head, not giving in to Louis’ need to argue, to fight until the last breath. “I love you.”

“Fuck you, Harry,” Louis yelled as Harry walked down the stairs, only turning to look at Louis once he’d made his way to the Audi. “Fuck you for promising me forever. Fuck you!”

Harry hung his head, his shoulders raking as he cried. He pulled the driver’s door open, daring one last look at Louis before he ducked in behind the wheel. “I love you, Lou. Always.”

“I fucking hate you,” Louis spat before he slammed the front door shut. He leaned against the door, tears pouring down his face as he sank down to the floor. He listened for the start of the engine, his head hitting the wood of the door as he heard Harry reverse out of the driveway. It wasn’t until he realized Harry was leaving, Harry was actually _leaving_ that Louis got up off the floor, pulled the door open and frantically ran down the steps of the porch. He didn’t care if the driveway was lightly covered by snow – he ran down it barefoot, searching for the Audi, searching for Harry. But he was gone. Harry was really gone.

Nothing was fine at all.


End file.
